Angel's Lament

2010-06-28T21:31:00.002+08:00

about 7 months left.. can't believe it's been so long since i last posted. so many things have happened since then. though i can't really remember, i feel like a lot of things have happened.. it's quite a weird feeling knowing that you were supposed to have gone through so much but not having the most vague of memories about what happened. i am listening to music from youtube since my laptop has died on me after the years of frustration that it had given me. and i just reformated it not too long ago too. oh well, i guess some things can't be helped.

even though i've been in the army for so long, some things refuse to change. i'm not that much stronger emotionally. even though i continue to cover up my feelings , i find myself running from the truth. is it normal that one should continue hoping to find a companion, someone whom one can relate to and share one's deepest emotions with, while it seems that the whole world has already found theirs? i think back to the words of my friends who shared this piece of advice.. "there is definitely someone meant for you, just that you have no met them yet" and "there are people out there whom i have no met who would be able to like my type". the second one seems like an insult the more i think about it. just when i thought i had found someone, nothing really materialised out of it. i guess the differences were just too great. so at the end of it, i'm by myself once again. the friends i had once spent days upon days with now have their own lives to carry on with. we barely even meet up nowadays, and even when we do, it's only for lunch or something of the like since everyone has their own schedules. it feels like everyone is moving forward and leaving me behind. i don't think there are many or in fact anyone for that matter who understand my feelings right now.

i just want to get the 7 months over and done with so that i can begin my life anew. till then i need to find reason to do so. i just found myself volunteering to spend about 2 months in australia. the motive behind me doing so is quite confusing and yet perhaps, simple in itself. i have no attachments to keep me staying in singapore, no family, friends, colleagues, or any lover at this point of time with whom i share a strong bond(s) with which would compel me to stay here. if anything, i'd like very much to run away from everything, my life, all of it. drowning myself in music definitely helps to do so. if i had been born or brought up under different circumstances, would i be the same person that i am today or would i have been a happier person? i don't mind giving up all that i have today, most of which has lost its value to me, in exchange for a chance to start anew. but i know that isn't going to happen.. the tears i shed are never going to return to me.. this feeling of sadness and lonliness is going to drive me insane sooner or later. actaully i don't even know why i'm posting such an emo post in the first place? is it because i'm crying out for attention due to my feeling of the lack of it given to me? does that make me a very selfish person who only thinks of myself rather than the feelings of others? i feel so despicable now that i think about it. maybe that's what i am in the first place.. just another unassuming piece of trash, not worth a mention..

i couldn't do anything,
i still can't do anything.
therefore..
there's nothing to justify my existance.

i want to keep running away,
but i grow tired.

if i keep lying to myself,
does it make me a bad person?

look into my eyes and tell me i'm not
please

one year on... lessons learnt

2010-02-01T20:38:00.004+08:00

time sure passes fast, it's been one year since i enlisted and there's only one year left. am i supposed to be happy? logically speaking i guess so. but to speak the truth, i have no idea of what lies beyond the remaining one year that i have. that has me somewhat worried and scared at the same time. went over to a friend's place for karaoke last night and left there this morning. the bus ride home gave me a moment of quiet and respite from the stressful job that i've become so accustomed to doing for the past one year. other than hanging out with my camp mates, i hardly go out with my friends from either secondary school or from jc, with the exception being earlier this month when i went out with a secondary school friend before he enlisted and on the weekend of his first bookout. other than that, my parents are going to be back in singapore for the chinese new year so i get to enjoy drinking coffee and eating other sweet pastries and stuff to keep myself somewhat happy.

i guess i've learnt quite a few lessons in this one year in the armed forces. i guess one can never trust another person too much since you won't know when the person will drive a knife through your heart, especially when the person may look like a very nice person on the surface. if you don't trust anyone too much then you won't be at risk of being betrayed and won't be shocked when it finally happens. i've also learnt that love doesn't exist in real life. as such i shouldn't be feeling the way i do towards the whole lot of them should i? forgive but not forget is my way in which i live my life i guess. i will never allow myself to be made a fool by others anymore. the idiotic things which i have done are going to be part of the past as i set my plans into motion for preparation towards uni. i'm going to completely change myself, from the way i behave and interact with others and even the way i look, both of which i hate of myself. as such i am willing to remove the scars of my past both literally and figuratively. beginning with how i'm going to totally detach myself from the people i used to think i cannot live without. my former class.

then again, class is but a group of individuals placed in the same place to study but not much else for after the class leaves the school, they are what they are, a group of individuals not bound by anything other than the fact that they studied in the same place for a couple of years. i don't feel any attachement to the class anymore ever since we graduated and therefore when they say "class gathering" nowadays, i am very skeptical as to the meaning of the term, for it never means everyone in the class, but rather a very small group of people from the class. in any case, i have decided to distance myself from the so called class other than the exception of a select few who have been my closest friends.

the music has since stopped,

the players have since left the stage.

now's the time for a new character to step in..

Seeking Professional Help

2010-01-02T21:47:00.001+08:00

well, let's see what has happened after my last post. i got modern warfare 2 and i have to say that it is a very nice game, i expect to continue knifing my way to glory and should be prestiging sometime soon. went out quite a number of times shopping for books, playing pool/lan with friends. and so that is when one of them asked if i had been updating my blog, which i haven't since i've not been having much free time to spare. oh well, here goes nothing..

just the other day i accompanied 2 of my friends to shop along orchard rd, and hey tried out quite a number of things from zara, G2000 just to name a few. i just stood there to watch them so much so that i was eventually asked to try a few on for myself and if there was anything that i was looking for, to which i replied that i don't have anything which i need or want at the moment.

in truth, i guess that's a lie. i just don't like the person i see in the mirror. i feel that he's an ugly and horrible person that i see and i hate it. i hate myself and the person that i am. i can't take it anymore, waking up everyday to see that face in the mirror and knowing that it's yours. and everyday that i'm home is even more stressful as there rarely seems to be a moment of respite from all the shouting and scolding that my maid gets for being just plain lousy at her work. if that wasn't enough, i got scolded by a neighbour from a lower floor on CHRISTMAS for my maid hanging laundry which was still wet on the railings. like what the hell? of all days it had to be Christmas, just goes to show how screwed up my life is. it only makes me want to hate it more.

at the end of the day, how many people understand me? i know that effective people should seek first to understand than to be understood but can't they see that the smile and cheerful appearance that i put on is all just a facade? every smile and every laugh is just another vain attempt to cover up my real feelings. to tell the truth i really don't know what to do with myself. am i still tied down to the past which i don't want to relive? after all that has happened, it only makes me realise what a lousy person i am, how naive i was to think that such a thing as love exists and how stupid i was to follow on those feelings that i had, knowing full well that a person such as myself could never be loved right? in any case, i don't think i'll trust another person who comes into my life, no matter who it may be.

at the end of the day, i'm alone.
no matter where i am, i'm alone.
with no one to listen to me, understand me,
no one to talk to, no one i can trust.
no one i can confide my feelings in,
or run to when i get hurt,
and no one i can depend on.

coz no one understands...

i guess that's what one would call life right?

2009-10-25T21:19:00.002+08:00

countdown, 16 days till modern warfare 2 and 23 days till left 4 dead 2 hits the store shelves. other than that there's not much to blog about today i guess. maybe except for something which i remembered while i was on the bus today.

for the first time in a couple of weeks i actually left home to go downtown for some "shopping". which included me walking aimlessly along orchard road buying some things. these included a magazine, 20 takoyaki (for my brother.. no way i can finish that many) and a macha from ion before going for a haircut at the 10 minute hair salon near my place. i wanted to buy some things from cold storage but ended up going home with nothing from there. one thing to note about the takoyaki from ion is that it is absolutely delicious!

anyway, as i was on my way home from orchard, i noticed that i was sub-consciously looking at my ring which i was wearing on my left ring finger. well, it's not much to look at since it's just plain metal with a cross on it. i had gotten the ring during my trip to macau last year together with a ring which had The Lord's Prayer embossed on it. (i bought the latter even though i couldn't wear it on my hand. while the former was a perfect fit for my finger.) as i was looking at it today, i was wondering to myself why i had bought the ring and more importantly, why was i wearing it at that point of time? were all these events pre-determined in some way? if so then wouldn't it mean that our destinies have already been written for us? this would explain the certain inevitabilities in my life. perhaps this is in order to fufill our purpose that we have on this planet? in any case, i'm sure that i don't need to know the answer to this complex.

humans have been at odds with respect to the question whether we are really in control of our own fates, for even if i make a choice out of a multitude of options, what's to say that it wasn't already pre-determined that i would make that choice? i'd like to think that God has a reason for this so that we'll all find our place in this world which he has sat aside for us. maybe i'm just not mature enough to understand it yet.

chocolate, chocolate, chocolate

2009-10-22T15:46:00.003+08:00

wow, i can't believe how long it took for me to finish one small box of chocolates. given that it was expensive chocolate courtesy of the chocolate research facility, of course that meant that it had to be savoured slowly and not chomped on like M&Ms and kit-kats. of course that said, the best before date of what remained of this box said that it expires today, so obviously i had to finish it today (peach with dried apricot is sweet, i like). come to think of it, i still have some tea-infused chocolate in the fridge, which expired a couple of months back. given that it's in the fridge, i guess there shouldn't be any harm in eating it in the present time.. and of course, if i continue snacking on chocolates at the current rate, i think i'm going to gain weight, which is not good. gotta go work out more often like that. frankly speaking, who cares? CHOCOLATE IS SWEET!

it does make one feel better after taking chocolates. gets rid of depression and stress to a certain extent. super high right now. listening to music which makes me want to break out in dance spontaneously lol. gotta resist it. of course i have a cup of water by my side. can't afford to fall ill right now can i?

was talking to a friend a few nights ago. it's great to hear that he's doing well in the army, but we couldn't help but note a simple fact that has been occuring ever since we left the auditorium on the last day of the A levels. ever since that november day last year, the class, my second family, began to split into the various cliques which started it all. at first it didn't seem that way but i guess that deep inside each and every one of us we knew that it was an inevitability. even now, i still see them as family to me especially due to the absence of my parents during most of my time in jc and thereafter. so seeing a family, my family being torn apart was something i couldn't accept and prayed day and night not to happen. and yet it has, so one can imagine the pain and hurt in my heart seeing this sight.

on the other hand, ever since we left our separate ways, i can see that for most of them, life has indeed improved and i'm seeing their happy faces with increasing frequency using the various networks available at my disposal. i guess maybe it's due to this that i feel some sense of jealousy to see that their lives are improving whereas mine seems to be stagnant to the point that it has started to attract flies. one can say that maybe the reason why i feel this way is due to the fact that i'm still living in the past and can't forget all the things that have happened and if i were to just let go of the past, i would be able to see my life in a whole new light. to that i pose a question, is it wrong to hold on to a past where i was happy and i was able to face everyday with a smile? the past happens to be the place and time where my happiness is kept and as of now, i have yet to find a person or group of persons with whom i can have such happy moments much like that of my jc class.

while i do hold these happy moments in my memories, that's all that they are, just memories. these memories will never be re-enacted. one could say that they would eventually be lost forever, as such, i have nothing to smile about nowadays, as the skies become gloomier and gloomier. i guess it's true, when you're a nobody, nobody will give a damn about who you are, what you do and how you are feeling. you might as well be non-existent.

those days of old,

once lost, are never recovered.

The Story I Can't Forget

2009-10-07T21:07:00.002+08:00

it's been quite a while since i last posted hasn't it? a lot of things have happened since then, been overseas with the remainder of my leave for the year, got a new 5th gen ipod nano from the airport while i was at it, elsewhere, the world seems to be in great shape, global warming is playing havoc with the climate and a lot of people are dying due to the results of their own actions indirectly or otherwise due to the actions of others. and here back home, a beauty queen has been forcibly dethroned (good riddance). what a disgrace to the country and to herself. taking part in one of the most prestigious beauty pageants with a conviction of credit fraud. not to mention the horrible spoken english of the person. "leopard prins", "rad", "biginis" and most notably, "boomz". and to top it all off, the person can still have the cheek to say that she didn't bother reading the rules and regulations of the pageant and that it wasn't a big deal since she had taken part in other pageants before and the organisers for those pageants didn't check thoroughly, including this one. though it may be a fault on the part of the organisers for not checking thoroughly, it is still on the honous of the contestant to be truthful in the details provided on registration. it is even worse now that she is putting the blame on the runner-up for revealing the details of the conviction to the press.

anyway, time passes so fast.. just about a year ago i was busy revising everyday with my friends for what was to be our A levels and now it's my juniors' turn. so many things have changed since then. my parents are moving to another part of china once again, this time to shanghai. well i guess it's not so bad since it is more developed then hainan island. i hear that the place they got there has a nice view, an indoor swimming pool and even has a room for pool, which excites me somewhat.. somewhat.. very few things actually arouse my interest nowadays, if any. i'm finding myself increasingly disinterested with my life. there's nothing to be done since i have done most of the things which i wanted to do, and along with my parents, i have eaten at a alot of the good restaurants in singapore. i have not many things to shop for and even shopping is boring to a certain extent without the correct company and if i have nothing to buy.

in fact i don't have much feelings for anything at this point of time. i guess i have finally gotten rid of most of my feelings about everything, the story which i supposedly can't forget has me questioning my actions at that point of time, whether what i did was correct despite my feelings at that time. in any case, logic now runs my everyday and i speak less often then usual, which is already very little to begin with. i guess the next thing is to change my appearance which i'm not really happy with, which is going to be rather easy. just start by losing weight, which ironically has the same sound as feelings/emotions in japanese. oh the irony. but oh well.. will blog another day.

2009-10-07T20:32:00.003+08:00

君の知らない物語

The Story that You Know

On a day like any other,
you suddenly stood up and said
“Tonight, lets go Stargazing!”

“Oh, you sometimes have great ideas huh!”
everyone said as they laughed.
Like idiots, we just frolicked and walked
on the dark road
as not to be crushed by loneliness
nor anxiety.

As we looked up from this dark world,
the night sky looked like it would drop the stars!

Since when I wonder,
since when have I been
chasing after you?
Please, please
don’t be surprised, listen
to these feelings of mine.

“That’s Deneb, Altair, Vega…”
you said as you pointed at The Summer Triangle.
As I looked at the sky,
I finally found Vega,
but where is Altair I wonder?
Isn’t he lonely?

As I stood next to you who was enjoying himself,
I stood there unable to say anything…

The truth is, I somehow
understood my feelings for you.
“I found it”
But it won’t tell you…
This is no good…don’t cry,
I told myself.

I acted tough, but the cowardly me
pretended like I wasn't interested…
However,
that just increased the pain stabbing at by heart.
Aah, I see, this is what it means
to fall in love.

“Try saying to me ‘What’s wrong?’”
my heart tries to tell you that,
but being next to you is fine…
reality is so cruel…

I didn’t say it,
I couldn’t say it,
I can’t go back now…

That summer day,
those glittering stars,
I remember them even now.
Your smiling face,
your angry face,
I loved them all.
Weird isn’t it?
Even though I understood it all…
You don’t know about this,
it’s a secret only I know.
I pass the nights,
the you from my distant memories
points your finger at the stars
with such an innocent voice.

thanks to .

2009-07-27T10:12:00.000+08:00

i'd like to thank "." for being able to argue with me. perhaps it's good to have people like him/her to scold me when the time is needed. perhaps i'm trying to justify myself. you have made me ponder whether it's kinda childish to hate. as a "mature" person, i'm supposed to let bygones be bygones but of course to every "mature" person, there's always a side of childishness/selfishness isn't there? i don't think of myself to be really mature, after all no one is absolutely mature in the full sense of the word. but i would have to say that perhaps you misinterpreted what i wrote and hence wrote "you have no right to prohibit the person from liking sum1 else.". i did say what you wrote (read:last paragraph of prev post) as such i find that maybe you need to look deeper into the post rather than take things as face value. emotions are woven into the fabric that are words. but in any case, thanks a lot. you have provided another outlet for me to focus my feelings at this point of time. and by the way, don't ask me to forget about it. if you dont know latin, i'll tell you what the last line means: indulgeo non alieno, to pardon but not to forget. read into it, for that's the person that i am..

response to anon

2009-07-26T14:02:00.000+08:00

i guess i decided to type this as a post since it would be too long as a reply on the chatbox. when i meant not returning feelings in a manner worthy of a person, i meant it as even if you reject a person, please do so in a subtle manner and not by suddenly announcing to the whole world that you're in a relationship and even worse, with his/her friend. these type of things do damage to a person's self respect. then again, being returned with the same feelings would of course be the ideal situation. but of course, this world is far from perfect. and just because i recognise God's love for us, it doesn't mean that i love everyone else. as proven, there are people on this planet who deserve to be treated otherwise. i do not and refuse to say that i love everyone for there are scum which soil this supposedly pure planet. and i'm not referring to the person whom i used to like. my own personal experience has proven that there are indeed some people who should be wiped off from society. it doesn't matter if we're made in His image or not. in fact the things these people insult Him since they're made in His image and hence they should not exist. that's why there's a need for law. it's to erase these problems from society and i am grateful to be given the power to change things, but that's another story for another time.

for now, these are my true feelings, even if you do manage to convince me to give up my hatred, which would of course go away given time, i will definitely not forget this insult to my person. that's the part of my humanity which still exists. maybe that's what makes me human right now. the inability to just forgive and forget even if idealistically i am supposed to do so. perhaps i'm being selfish and i do admit that in the eyes of anyone else, it may be that way. fine then, i recognise the person's right to choose but then again, that person does not need my recognition to carry on loving the person. for even if i recognise it, nothing will change.. not the present way that things are (the two of them together) and much less my feelings. after all one doesn't need approval or recognition from another to love another person. but it doesn't mean that i have to be happy about it..

indulgeo non alieno

2009-07-21T19:44:00.002+08:00

might as well post now that i have some time on hand. well my mum has left for china once again. not that it makes much difference especially since the only time i spent with her was on my second day off. going out a few days from now. been listening to music to keep myself occupied and watched a couple of videos along the way. can't wait till the new battlefield game and modern warfare 2 to be released. but other than that, there's not much to look forward to in the near future.

then yet again, for one who is stuck in the memories of the past, what is there to look forward to? it's just going to be an endless cycle of painful memories just repeating themselves over and over again. that's human life and history. whilst we claim to be moving on, the fact of the matter is that we are just moving in circles and always end up the place where we started from without even realising it only to come out more tired and hurt out of it.

if you love a person, then you shouldn't expect the person to love you in return. what a joke it is. that's just an idealistic way of looking at it which is not possible to achieve in real life.

to anon: let me ask you this question, if the person you love does not return your feelings in a manner worthy of your person, would you still love the person in the same way, even if you have many memories shared with the person? wouldn't the mere sight of him/her disgust you? and wouldn't it be worse if the person you like ended up with one of your friends who had known all along your feelings for the person? tell me how would you feel in that situation? i doubt you would be able to view things in the same way that you're saying right now.

so what's the point of unrequited love?even by lowering oneself to do things which one wouldn't do normally no matter how one begged for me to do it, one still doesn't get the understanding and appreciation. after all the time and effort spent it all adds up to nothing, or more rather a souring of feelings from love to hatred.

hence, i no longer love the person. for i was a fool to have thought of love that way and did all those foolish things for her. for that person was like my pillar of support emotionally,mentally and spiritually. when the pillar gave way, so did most of my humanity. one isn't going to bother picking up the pieces of a shattered existance anymore.

there's no such thing as light,
just the absence of darkness.
there's no such thing as happiness,
only the absence of sadness.

there's no moving forward,
only moving in circles.
there's no life,
only a meaningless existance.

there's no solitude,
only loneliness.
and most of all, there's no true love,
only an illusion which blinds us.

2009-07-06T21:53:00.002+08:00

feeling more detached from everyone around me.. and i don't know how i'm going to change this. this is perhaps the only thing i don't know how to change in my life. as time passes, i seem to become more distant from those around me. i hardly have anything to talk with my parents anymore and talking with my grandmother would only lead to stuff leaking out to other people. my brother only serves to shorten my lifespan when we argue. sigh.. it's times like this when i really envy those who are in relationships. not many people one can talk to in the army since they either take it as a joke or are not really reliable people one would want to confide in. the only way i can talk freely is through my blog, but even then it is mostly a one way communication. i do feel somewhat better after blogging but i still feel kinda lonely and empty inside. come to think of it, outside of school, i don't have many friends whom i talk to or hang out with on a regular basis. so maybe this is a contributing factor. i don't feel like talking to the people i used to talk a lot with previously. they have their own lives to lead and i would only be interfering in it if i continue to bother them out of boredom/loneliness.

the rain started pouring in the afternoon and it seemed to be following me as i travelled from alexandra back home. it did not do much to help brighten my mood. although i have to confess that i do like the rain, snow and ice. yes it's rather cold and would usually be associated with someone's who's rather dark and gloomy. but i do like it after all i'm a person who's closest companion is the cold from being alone most of the time. just that it wasn't doing much to make me happy today.

thinking back and seeing all the couples on the streets, i wonder when's it going to be my turn. if there's indeed someone meant for someone else on earth, i wonder what my other half is doing at this point of time and if she's feeling the same way as me. i hope she likes the rain too.

btw: a stroll in the rain helps to wake one up. it works.. try it.

2009-06-30T19:46:00.002+08:00

well, after the previous outburst, i have to say that i feel somewhat better. though certain thoughts still race in my mind. don't know why i enjoy reading romantic novels.. i just got started on one today and just finished most of it just now. well, maybe i'm a sucker for romance. so these type of boy meets girl and boy gets hit by girl repeatedly and girl ends up liking him but does not confess her feelings and boy feels the same way ending with the boy dying to protect her type of story. to a large extent i tend to prefer and relate better to sad endings rather than happy ones but of course since it was a romantic comedy type which had to go on, boy was later resurrected under rather hilarious circumstances. in any case, perhaps my own story is just waiting for the next chapter to begin. is that so?

i gave you my heart in my hand,
but you cut my hand off,
taking my heart and using it for target practice,
before roasting it over a flame
and later feeding it to the dogs.
you then proceeded to kick me into a pit full of spikes,
where you left me to bleed.
and later expected me to climb out,
and pretend that nothing happened and continue being friends.

if you think i can do that,
then i got three words for you..
I HATE YOU!

2009-06-27T20:59:00.003+08:00

argh got a headache.. in any case i'm going to write this down or i won't be able to sleep properly without being bothered by my other self at night. oh well first thing is that over the past few nights at home, i have found myself waking up again not long after i supposedly fall asleep only finding out that besides my right eye, i can't move the rest of my body and i start hearing voices in my ear, though i think i may just be imagining the voices but it is definitely scary not being able to move at all other than my eye and i end up using a lot of willpower just to make myself fully awake.. probably something inside me is unable to rest, which brings me to my other self. well, it does seem that i'm beginning to adopt more of his traits after the incident. which would probably explain why the next part of my blog is going to sound very different from what i usually blog, though i haven't blogged for quite a while now..

i've got a lot on my mind right now.. went with a group of my friends to jurong swimming complex recently and i have to admit i enjoyed my time there. being the only one without a float, i had a ball of a time conducting attacks on the rest when they were sitting on their floats and overturning them into the water muahaha. i obviously had to go for a much needed swim to retrain my cardio, which i did by going for two laps after having fun at the other facilities, namely the wave pool and the lazy river in addition to the water slide. well, at the pool, i had a chance to see how sickening some people can be.. namely a group of guys who started harrassing my female friends who were with us. which brings me to my next part..

yesterday, i came home to the news that michael jackson had passed away suddenly due to a cardiac attack. and within moments, tributs poured in from every corner of the globe. while i cannot deny that he was and will continue to be a pop legend, i do not see the need to mourn and grieve over the death of another. humans are born and die on a daily basis, does this mean that we should also be mourning the passing of these people? well there's one big difference between him and the rest of the people who die daily. he's famous, be it for good or bad reasons and hence, being famous, people look up to him and consider him to be someone of great importance and hence will mourn his passing. that's all that matters to humans in life.. power, fame, glory, wealth and of course if one is beautiful/handsome, even better for the person's fame. to tell the truth, i hate it all and damn it all if that's all they ever see. this is the unfortunate truth of our present time. humans.. never change. they never have throughout the course of history. they'll remain a bunch of animals fighting amongst each other for the stupidest of reasons and devising even more creative ways of killing and defeating their foes to achieve their ends. not to mention the people who play around with others only to end up fooling them. and those who abuse power that is given unto them. so much for being the most civilised species on earth. screw it all! this is the reason why i hate humans and i despise myself for being part of them. i prefer to drown myself in information and seem to be able to interact with animals especially cats better than humans. animals have an innocence which most humans lack and they do not keep secrets and thoughts hidden from others unike humans. i have seen this for myself firsthand and have had experience in the latter. love is just a fantasy made up by humans to justify why they can be with a person due to a feeling which cannot be measured or seen but rather felt by two parties. and the belief that there's a person meant for every person on earth is essentially what it is.. just a belief. i used to believe in it but n0t anymore, that's how heartbroken i was at a point in time. if there's really a person out there meant for another, we wouldn't have people sleeping around with other people on a regular basis.

i guess that incident had awakened me and opened my eyes wider to see the true nature of some people. i guess it can't be helped. like i said, humans never change. in any case, i'm not saying that humans are bad/evil. no one is entirely good although some are indeed more of the other than others. so once again i have to confront my own humanity, where i am being torn being happinness and sadness and anger over the issue. so i live between the light and dark till the day when perhaps i may change. although to say so would mean that maybe i'm not entirely human. every person no matter how bad a crime he has committed has a right to a trial was a line which i saw in a book published by one of the more prominent lawyers of the country. well i do applaud him for having such a style of thinking, i feel that a person who has taken the life of another or has insulted or outraged the modesty of another for example has no such right. what right do they have after they have violated the rights of their victims? these people deserve to pay the price for their transgressions. but of course making such a speech in public only goes to show the lack of professionalism that i have towards such offenders and cases.

humans as a whole never change and they never will..
that's why i hate this world..
if given the chance, i will change it,
even if i have to sell my soul to make it happen.

so does this make me good or evil?

2009-05-12T20:04:00.002+08:00

well, these few days and last week haven't been very great for me. barely passed my atp even though i got marksman on the practice day. plus i've yet to recieve anything from smu and nus, which means my dream of going into law is slipping away. plus i found out that the person i liked got attached. not that the guy is a bad person or anything, indeed the guy is a good and nice person and i do feel happy for her for finding someone like him. but i guess the news was a bit of a shock to me at first. i didn't know who it was at first but when i found out, it came as a sort of comfort in my heart. so congrats to the 2 of them.

well, in the wake of my performance at work over the past week, i do think that it's about time to take some time off and go away for a while. so goodbye..

2009-05-05T20:00:00.005+08:00

i'm so addicted to the song below.. been listening to it almost non-stop for 2 days now. thanks to a friend who introduced this to me! well, tomorrow's the start of my advanced trainfire package. today was the imt which i failed miserably. never did well for it since the my first time so many years ago. i hope i haven't lost the touch. i hope i'm able to get my marksmanship award on thursday and hope i can get all the practice i need at the range. if i do get my award then i'll be super happy. *fingers crossed and eyes shining*

SNIPING TARGETS!!!

2009-05-05T20:00:00.002+08:00

2009-04-30T20:58:00.002+08:00

this new song is a rather old one which i love a lot.. can't decide which version is better lols. anyway, just a realisation i had: even if i miss going out with my friends and not seeing the people i hold so dear, it would all be worth it as long as me being on duty means that i'm able to protect all that i cherish. in which case, i won't mind doing duty for all of eternity to keep you safe. back to duty on saturday!

2009-04-28T21:20:00.002+08:00

sigh.. tomorrow is D-Day when i find out which duty team i'll be attached to for the remainder of my ns life. after doing some calculations and comparisons with my current schedule, i have come to the conclusion that my schedule will be messed up if i enter duty team B. therefore now i'm seriously hoping and praying that i don't get into it although seeing that they are taking in 3 people out of 6, i've got not much of a chance to see my wish come true. anyway, already started to plan for the worst case scenario. plus i've got range next week and i still have yet to collect my first aid dressing back from johan. very hard to contact him since he usually forgets to reply unless u remind him. got to prepare my lbv and helmet for the day too. hope i can get marksman. but most importantly, hope i don't get into duty team B..

please not B.. A or C but not B

2009-04-21T20:24:00.002+08:00

finally my time at the school of ammunition is over as of last week and today begins my new job at tsd. did many things over the past weekend. first was attending the novena church easter ball at the concorde hotel where i won something at a lucky draw held during a dinner for the first time. just what i needed, a tie and cufflinks.. sweet. then went to zinc's house on sunday with my soa buddies for some ps3 fun. played street fighter 4 and rock band 2 at his place. note to self: don't try guitar and drums beyond medium level but vocals are perfectly fine even up till expert surprisingly. pretty tired after my first day of work, slept on the bus on the way back after getting my hair cut at jurong point. o well, tomorrow is a new day! : )

nose bleed again...zzz it shouldn't be bleeding

2009-04-14T19:51:00.002+08:00

wow only in the last week of my course do i realise that the food sold by the canteen operator is super overpriced. goodness, i'm better off buying cup noodles to eat there then waste my time in the queue waiting for gluttons to finish ordering as they continue to cut the queue day after day after day. it is kind of ironic considering the fact that the same people who lost a lot of weight during bmt are starting to put on weight after they have been posted to a unit.

well, after my meeting with friends last week, it does seem that i'm starting to miss them again. went out with david, jethro and jiayi on friday before the former 2 enlist. but still it does seem like i'm missing something though i'm not sure what it is. probably now that my pool buddies are either away on the island northeast of singapore or stuck in camp on weekdays, i feel like i got nobody to hang out and chat with. anyway, went for the law interview at smu on saturday and i have to say that it was a very nice experience for me since it was the first time i did an interview in a group. and it was a lucky day for me since i happened to be in a group with one of the sergeants from my company back at bmt, plus the fact that i also made a new friend from rjc from my interview group before the interview. spent the rest of the weekend with my family before my parents flew back to china yesterday.

got a couple of birthdays coming up. better start thinking of presents : )

2009-04-10T21:38:00.002+08:00

wah so much stress.. it's going to be a make or break situation for me tomorrow as i go for my interview for the school of law at smu. hope i make it!

edit: my dad is so pissing me off.. jst because he work for so many years then he also know what an interviewer is looking out for.. like i dunno how to arrange the documents for the interviewer.. throw tantrum for what? my interview! not his!!! : (

2009-03-28T21:13:00.004+08:00

working tactically at the moment. thank goodness the screen is bright enough so i don't need to type with a torch in my mouth. i just found out that i how much i actually love music. it really is one of those things which are an auto pick-me-up whenever i'm feeling down, especially those with a very upbeat rhythm and melody. lyrics do not really matter to me since most of my songs i have on my computer is in japanese. wow, listening to music really makes me want to get up and dance especially the songs which i just found, namely hare hare yukai and God knows by Aya Hirano. Really lively type of song plus it has a dance which is right now so popular that it has spawned numerous parodies and otakus who mimic it lol. i believe that good music should be spread amongst people so here they are for your listening! : )

2009-03-24T20:18:00.002+08:00

this sounds so emo.. but here i go anyway.

happy birthday to me,
happy birthday to me,
happy birthday to me..
happy birthday to me.

well, today's my birthday and just like last year, i've got no one to celebrate with again. even my own brother didn't wish me today. well, can't blame him since he isn't that mature yet. at least there are still other people who do. it just doesn't feel like it and this is made worse by the fact that my cough which has lasted for more than a month has yet to subside completely. and no, it's not TB like what the newspaper is reporting on TB cases rising. at most i'll go see the doctor on friday.. the weather isn't helping by the way. and thus begins chapter 19 in my life, thanks to the people who brought me up and to God whom i believe has been watching over me all this while. Thanks.

2009-03-22T11:03:00.002+08:00

finally i can sit down and type.. well, i've been making use of my block leave going out with friends and doing some other random stuff. tommorrow begins a new chapter in my ns life as i'm going to be reporting to ammo school to recieve training to be a supply assistant for ammo, which is quite a nice job i am told.. of course now that i think about it, being a storeman dealing with ammunition brings its own occupational hazards such as having the potential of blowing yourself up due to a variety of reasons. o well, at least i have insurance. the rest of my friends are also going off to their various camps but it is nice considering the fact that i don't have to stay in and hence would be able to spend my evenings at home in front of the computer and listening to music.

let's hope i don't blow myself up and become singapore's first astronaut lol

2009-03-15T21:16:00.003+08:00

for the people who are going away.. let this be my prayer for them.

1000 Words

I know that you're hiding things
Using gentle words to shelter me
Your words were like a dream
But dreams could never fool me
Not that easily

I acted so distant then
Didn't say goodbye before you left
But I was listening
You'll fight your battles far from me
Far too easily

"Save your tears 'cause I'll come back"
I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door
But still I swore to hide the pain when I turn back the pages
Shouting might have been the answer
What if I'd cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart?
But now I'm not afraid to say what's in my heart

Though a thousand words
Have never been spoken
They'll fly to you
Crossing over the time and distance holding you
Suspended on silver wings

And a thousand words
One thousand confessions
Will cradle you
Making all of the pain you feel seem far away
They'll hold you forever

The dream isn't over yet
Though I often say I can forget
I still relive that day
You've been there with me all the way
I still hear you say

"Wait for me, I’ll write you letters"
I could see how you stammered with your eyes to the floor
But still I swore to hide the doubt when I turn back the pages
Anger might have been the answer
What if I'd hung my head and said that I couldn't wait?
But now I'm strong enough to know it's not too late

'Cause a thousand words
Call out through the ages
They'll fly to you
Even though I can't see,
I know they're reaching you
Suspended on silver wings

Oh, a thousand words
One thousand embraces
Will cradle you
Making all of your weary days seem far away
They'll hold you forever

Oh, a thousand words (a thousand words)
Have never been spoken (oh yeah)
They'll fly to you
They'll carry you home and back into my arms (carry you home)
Suspended on silver wings (oh silver wings)

And a thousand words (ohhhh)
Call out through the ages (call through the ages)
They'll cradle you ( oh yeah)
Turning all of the lonely years to only days (only days)
They'll hold you forever (oh~)

A thousand words...

2009-03-07T19:39:00.002+08:00

just two more days till i pass out from bmt as a private. but before that, i collected my A level results yesterday and was quite disappointed at it when i first thought that i could not get into law. i really felt as though it was the end of the world since it is more or less a dream of mine to go into law ever since i came to a realisation of this world's true colours. that was until today when david said that i may stand a chance to go into the course since my UES lands smack on the dot based on the information given on the website. so i do hope that my application is successful when i apply for it in a few days time. till then, i don't think i'll be doing much celebration.

spent last night with my classmates eating dinner and went to watch watchmen at the cinema at west mall. it was quite a nice movie, quite a bit of action as expected of the same director who directed 300 in addition to quite a bit of gore. of course, the most important thing i feel about the movie are the underlying messages in the action. SPOILERS: is peace and world unity that is achieved by the sacrificing of many innocents to save the rest of the world still correct and who else can we blame but humans that has resulted in a corrupted world that we now live in? when i heard these lines, i drew parallels with the gundam 00 series which has the protaganists having to use force against people who advocate and participate in conflict so as to stop conflict and result in a united world. i guess it's one of the more pressing issues in an increasingly divided world. it's time that someone or some people takes the lead instead of just standing at the sidelines and watch as politicians continue their futile bickering with one another. though we live in a small country, i believe that we have the talent and the potential to do so much for this world.

back to my classmates, a majority of them did very well with a few exceptions which came as a shock when their results were beyong extraordinary. anyway, i congratulate them and wish them good luck in whichever course they choose to go to in future. i pray that i'll always be close to this group of individuals for besides them, i have very few people whom i can trust wholeheartedly. seriously, i'll feel much better fighting alongside my friends even if our enemies outnumber us a 100 to 1 as compared to my platoon mates whom i'll be more worried of shooting me in the back. so please don't grow apart, especially my inner circle of friends.

i pray that we'll always be together,
be it through thick or thin,
be it in darkness or light,
we'll always be connected.

2009-03-01T16:49:00.002+08:00

will be going back to camp in a couple of hours time, so might as well blog now while i still have the time. just finished my field camp this week and it was quite a nice experience where i got to see the true nature of some people. shall not talk too much about that since it would only lead to a long speech about the fact that people nowadays hide behind a facade, an image which is not their true self.

went for a youth rally at Saint Ignatius last night but ended up being late due to traffic jams as well as my poor judging of time by allowing only 40 minutes to get there from home. at least i managed to get there in time to listen to part of James' testimony and watch the mime put up by Hubert and Mich. chatted with some of my friends from cj and later also made a couple of new friends at the same time. initially wanted to hang out with them but since they all left separately, i abandoned the idea. come to think of it, at the time i reached there, having made my way through the rain after stopping one stop too early and eventually finding my way to the place based on my memory and finding the exact building based on directions given to me, i have to say that all the effort was worth it just to be able to see my friends again. all the familiar voices and faces which i have come to recognise... i was so happy to be able to see them again... Thank You God for letting me do so.

I'm precious,
I'm priceless,
& I'm greatly loved by God.

2009-02-20T11:23:00.002+08:00

sorry for not updating over the past few weeks as i was pretty tired after returning from tekong. i still have about 2 weeks left in my basic military training with my field camp next week being the last thing which i need to do to pass the course. now i am more or less a soldier, or a recruit to be more exact in the saf, which makes me think what am i fighting for as a soldier? i've been asking myself this ever since i was enlisted and i think it was further reinforced by the theme for total defence this year, "what do you wat to defend?". after quite a bit of thinking, i've know that as soldiers, we are tasked with defending the country's sovereignty but also more importantly, we also help to ensure that singapore remains at peace and hence we can go home to a peaceful surrounding where there's no war or conflict. for me, perhaps it's also to protect..

there's nothing that's not important to me.
hence i'll fight to protect.

2009-01-28T09:37:00.003+08:00

Here's the translation to the lyrics of the song i got from a youtube video. I think it's quite correctly translated. I like this song quite a bit. o well, off to army in a few hours time.

Trust You by Yuna Ito

The flowers seem to be dancing in the wind
The rain seems to be moisturising(?) the earth
Everything in this world depends on each other to survive
Why do people hurt each other?
Why are there separations?
Even if you travel far away
You will always remain here in my heart
My heart will always be filled with that gentle smile of yours
I hang on tightly to that fragment of you
Even if i feel the pain
We are still connected together
I believe that
We will meet again
I'm waiting for your love

I love you
I trust you
I want to share your loneliness
I love you
I trust you
Be it in the light or darkness
We can trust each other
If it's only the two of us
No don't let it go...

2009-01-22T22:26:00.002+08:00

to all my friends: when i count my blessings, i count each and everyone of you twice. thanks for being a part of my life thus far and as i start the countdown till i enlist, the past continues to flow back to me. with cny approaching, i am pretty excited to be able to celebrate at least 2 days of it. in any case, i digress.. i am very happy to have made friends with a fine group of individuals and i do hope that we will continue to be as close as ever in future. so to anyone who still reads this blog, thanks for being a friend.. it has made my life full of bliss and all the difference in the world to me.

2009-01-09T22:42:00.002+08:00

just went for cj open house today. caught up with my juniors and had a rather long chat with them till the rest of my friends came, after which we went to look for our teachers and also managed to catch up with them. later went walking around the school where we took a neoprint at the fsv room and also watched the dance club perform at the quadrangle. also went to the drama society's haunted house which was quite a funny experience. one of the ij girls in our group which entered ran out of the haunted house the moment she stepped into it. although i have to say that they have done a good job in creating the atmosphere and the acting was superb, this author was totally not scared but was rather amused throughout the entire thing. ok if one can adjust to the dark quickly then the whole thing wouldnt be scary. lol. still it was fun to see people freaking out and screaming at the top of their lungs haha. i don't think i'll be having nightmares tonight as they are usually much scarier than what i just went through today. anyway, after the open house, some of my juniors and i went to toa payoh to eat at macdonald's. macdonald's would rank as one of the foods which i have to eat before going into ns. now the next on my list would be donuts from j.co. of course there are also other stuff but those can wait since i am not exactly at liberty to spend so much money on it. almost recovered from my illness. all that remains for me is to get rid of all the blood that still remains in my nasal cavity. don't know what it is doing there but i think it's almost cleared thank God.

2009-01-08T09:55:00.002+08:00

goodness.. lying in bed due to a fever which started yesterday. highest temperature recorded was 38.5 degrees and that is one of the highest temperatures which i have ever gotten, the highest being 0.1 degrees higher than yesterday. probably fried some of my brain cells yesterday. my arms ached quite a bit yesterday, got a sore throat, headache/feel light-headed/ lethargic and have a lack of appetite to eat anything especially when it is so hard to swallow. haha funny thing that i don't fall sick when i have school. also funny also perhaps i got a fever after talking to someone who was probably too hot to handle lol. o well, here's hoping that i get well soon before the cjc open house tommorrow. i look forward to seeing my juniors once again.

2009-01-06T21:32:00.003+08:00

once again we see that conflict in this world will never end as long as differences remain between people. the ongoing conflict in the middle east is indeed troubling. how many people must die before peace returns to the region? can't they see that the more they fight, the more misery they will cause to their people, especially for the men fighting on the ground. due to orders from the top, one has no choice but to fight, fight to protect their families and their country? i wonder how many of them on the ground actually thinks like this. if you are fighting to protect, then who is going to protect your family when you're gone? as the conflict escalates, you'll probably be asking yourself, "will you be able to survive the battles and go home to them at the end of the day?". and while you fight on the ground, the leaders continue bickering from protected bunkers and areas safe from all weapons and attacks. and even when the fighting continues, the conflict has started to draw international attention. while it may ordinarily be a good thing to get international attention, due to the nature of the conflict, the world has been split into two different camps as it has always been with regards to matters relating with the region. it has also angered many people especially some islamic countries with certain organisations calling for volunteers to help in fighting a jihad in the middle east. these would only serve to escalate the conflict. what the world needs now is decisive action to put a stop to the conflict instead of people taking sides due to differing allegiences. as long as the world remains divided, this conflict will not end till one side is totally wiped out. war on such a scale that is happening is not justified on any level...

once again, one lacks the power to do anything about people dying while the rest of the world is thrown into chaos...

2009-01-05T21:00:00.001+08:00

must apologise to anyone who was offended by my previous post. but as it seems, things are starting to look cheery once again. all it takes is a change of perspective :)

2009-01-01T22:18:00.002+08:00

now that it is night, i guess i could write about what i am currently feeling. i think that today has been a rather bad start to the new year, although the person responsible for it being this way is myself. i didn't eat my lunch and ate rather little for dinner. i don't know if this is due to the continuing effect of the alcohol on my appetite or due to my mood which has been down after the party. once again i shot myself and caused my heart to hurt once again. i thought that by finally dumping everything out that i had kept within myself, i would feel better but i ended up feeling even worse than ever. i totally ruined my own mood at the beginning of the year. goes to show that this year has already gotten off to a rough start.

romanticising/fantasising/living in my own dreamworld... i know it's not good but it does seem that my own world is a much less sad place than the reality of this world. i don't want to be hurt anymore by anyone. why can't i just let it go?! i really want to end all of this and it does seem that i can either choose to do what i do best, hiding and running away from the reality, or face the facts no matter how they hurt. as what they say,"if you have never felt pain, you would never know what it is to feel good(or something like that)". this is something which i do not want to live with. i wish i could erase this part and just forget about it but something tells me that no matter what i do, i just can't forget it and running away will not help me to get over it. i could end my life here as it is like i have tried to do a number of times in the past. and yet hope always prevails.. how much hope is there in this hopeless situation? the irony of it. i hope too much that it causes me to be in a world of my own. and everytime stuff like this happens, i'm just thrown back into the harsh reality which hurts me once again. it's a never-ending cycle of hope and hurt. so does that mean that the more i hope, the more i am going to be disappointed? in that case then why do i still pray for a change in the world that we leave it towards being one of peace and for all my dreams/wishes for people and myself? hope has not given me anything except pain in the long run and frankly speaking, i don't know how long i am going to be tortured like this. if my prayers/hopes are never going to be answered, wouldn't that mean that there is no God in this world? why would He want to torture me in such a way? if that's the case, then i will get rid of myself and disappear forever. i know there would be people who will condemn me for saying this but that's exactly how i feel right now.

compassion was what i was told i have. a compassionate side, which is currently the most useless thing to me. what good does having hope and it do to me? compassion was the reason why i got myself into such messes in the first place and stripped me of any happiness. what good has love done? only more hurting and aching, making it hurt even more like rubbing salt into a wound.

if i hate you, i'll hate myself even more

2009-01-01T10:53:00.003+08:00

first of all, i would like to wish everyone a Happy New Year! May everyone have a blessed year ahead and that everyone continues to keep in touch with each other even though we may be going different paths, the guys to NS and the gals to university. slowly trying to get the alcohol which i consumed yesterday out of the system but i managed to walk back home this morning surprisingly without incident despite having been rather drunk just hours earlier. ok my definition of drunk is pretty much different from others as i usually stop drinking the moment my face turns red due to the alcohol, which happens somewhat easily nowadays. i think i may have alcohol induced amnesia as the things which happened this morning seem to be somewhat of a blur to me. reached home at around 6 and took a shower before sleeping till around slightly after 9 when the noise of my grandmother trying to wake my brother up woke me up.

actually wanted to blog lots more about today but don't feel like it right now.. maybe another time..

Happy New Year 2009!!!

2008-12-19T10:32:00.000+08:00

Well, I hope that I can still type properly even though I am currently feeling kind of drugged by the cocktail of flu medication I have been shuffling down my throat. Hopefully these locally available medication will work as I’m definitely not looking forward to my time in Macao being knocked out or being half there. Although I don’t really like the precaution stated on what’s supposed to be antibiotics saying that people that have liver damage shouldn’t consume it. What type of antibiotics would pose a threat to people with liver problems? That I have a bad feeling towards. In addition, the cough mixture (at least it’s supposed to be cough mixture) tastes like rather diluted chin chow with a slight tinge of peppermint. Other than that, my appetite has really plummeted as even a little amount of food is sufficient to send me into a coughing frenzy which usually ends with me feeling rather nauseous (which is what I’m currently feeling right now).

Anyway, I’ll be taking a flight from Hainan to Zhuhai (I think it’s spelt that way) on Saturday and from there, I’ll be going across a bridge to Macao where I’ll be staying at the Venetian Macao. Haha okay I’m not the most excited one going there since my brother is going to the Venetian mainly to watch the Cirque du Soleil resident show there, which comes with the rooms in a package. I think my dad booked the suites which according to my brother has two floors, plenty of opportunities to take photos haha. May even check out the casino there but I don’t think I’ll try my hand at poker or blackjack since my card skills have deteriorated somewhat prior to the A’s. My mom suggests roulette but it’s not really my type of game since it involves more luck than poker or blackjack, although probability still plays a large role. Besides, I need to earn at least 5 dollars there to exchange for 1 Singapore dollar. So I don’t think it’s worth it.

I’m looking forward to checking out the shopping there though, as well as the famous Portuguese egg tarts. I wonder if there’s anything else which we can do there. O well, when in doubt, use travelwiki lols. That’s assuming I can yank my brother off the computer chair long enough to use it. I’ll be staying in Macao for 2 nights and 1 night in Zhuhai before returning to Hainan on the 23rd. After that it’s just 3 days till I return haha.

Can’t wait to see everyone again!!

2008-12-13T19:32:00.000+08:00

“We were strangers, starting out on a journey. Never dreaming what we had to go through…” I guess there is no better song to describe what these 2 years in jc have been for each of us. The first few lines to this song have always appealed to me for I feel that this is true for much of life’s journeys. “…now here we are, I’m suddenly standing, at the beginning with you.” are the lines that follow the first part. At the end point of our jc life starts the next phase of life for most of us, for the guys it’ll be our ns life while for the ladies, it’s a rather long holiday before they embark on their journey through university education. I’ve said this before and I’ll say this again. I’m glad to have met this group of individuals and say that it has been an honour and privilege to be friends with each and every one of them. They are and will continue to be like family to me, especially my two “brothers”, soon to become brothers-in-arms.

That said, I think I really miss everyone for even when I’m so far away, I still have dreams about you all. Some of you have also recently appeared in the nightmares I’ve been having for the past two nights (not blaming you all for creeping into my dreams, haha). I don’t know whether this is a bad omen or something but I dreamt that I was doing my A level economics paper with all of you and for some unknown reason I didn’t do 2 out of the 3 essays and I also didn’t do 1 of the case study questions while the rest of you seemed to be able to do pretty well (read: super small handwriting covering four full pages). Such a big shocker that I woke up and realized that the A levels were OVER before going back to sleep again. The other nightmare was less believable as it involved quite a bit of anime and me “dying” haha.

Will most likely be going Macau next week, so if any of you want me to buy stuff back from there, not including Portuguese egg tarts which I’ll hog for myself *muahahaha*, just feel free to leave a tag stating what you want and I’ll see if I can get them for you all. I think I’ll go Macau to have a look at the stuff there and maybe buy back some Xmas presents at the same time.

2008-12-08T18:43:00.000+08:00

well, despite the lack of internet access, I’m going to type out my blog post on my laptop anyway since I do not want my brother and parents to see what I’m typing and also it’s better than just lying around doing nothing. Let’s see what has happened over the past 4 days that I have come to china. Well actually there’s nothing much happening except the fact that I’m still counting down the days till I go back to Singapore. The past few nights have been rather cold with the wind blowing through the hole between the balcony doors which makes a sound similar to that of a plane taking off. Nothing wrong with that except for the fact that it seems to continue playing every day non-stop, which makes it rather irritating. The food here is as I remembered it to be, with the notable inclusion of noodle king (yes noodle king) being just how I remembered it to be the first time I had it here. My dad wants to go on a holiday sometime soon and he’s thinking about going to either Macau or Hong Kong. Oh well, might as well go shopping since the stuff here is more affordable. Contrary to popular belief, not all the things here are cheap but most are affordable.

I also got to look at the other photos of prom on facebook and I have to say that most were pretty well taken, which makes me want to go get a camera soon as I ended up using the cameras of others to take my prom photos. (Haha thanks for all the cameras) I’m still waiting for a couple more to come in and I think that should be all the prom photos which I took that night. Which reminds me… Martin Ang if you are reading this you better start finding a place to hide as I’m going to get you when I return *muahahaha*

Now I have to start planning for what I’m going to do during the 28 days in January that I have till I’m enlisted. Come to think of it, 4 weeks is quite a long time. I definitely cannot work part time since it’ll be for less than a month. But on the other hand, I can’t possibly be sitting at home doing nothing. Oh
well, I’m pretty sure that I’ll find something to do within that time. Still owe someone a lunch/coffee date when I return.

Speaking of which, since I’ll only be back on Boxing Day, I have decided to give accessories to all the ladies I know for Xmas. Although I kind of cheated by giving someone way ahead of the date. *Sorry to all the other ladies*But I felt that it was necessary to help me close a chapter (see previous post) in my life. I guess all my tears which I would have cried that day crystallized into that pair of tear-dropped shaped earrings. Hope you like it as I had it specially made (only 2 pairs available) and I also hope that all the ladies will like the accessories I’ll be getting them.

Why am I getting accessories one might ask? Well the main purpose is to support an entrepreneurship venture of a friend of mine who has opened her own blog shop. Please do visit as some of the designs are pretty fantastic. www.crystallise-me.blogspot.com The other reason why I am doing so is due to the fact that I had initially wanted to compose poems for all of them throughout the course of the year and given that the year is almost up and I have not written much of them, accessories would have to take the place of poems in representing their individual characteristics and traits as well as the role which they have played in the class which I love so much. So once again I hope that you all will like them. Erm as for the guys, sorry but I’m running on a rather low budget this year due to my excessive spending post-As. Besides, being the nice gentlemen that you all are, I’m sure you won’t blame me for buying only for the ladies right? *please don’t kill me the next time you all see me ok?*

Counting down to Boxing Day…
P.S If anyone sees me online on MSN, could you do me a favour and chat with me? It’s rather boring here and I seem to be talking to the same people all the time. Thanks : )

2008-12-02T11:55:00.004+08:00

prom last night was fun to say the least. it was fun to see everyone decked out in their best. johan's and david's ties made me feel somewhat underdressed for the occasion but i personally don't like to wear them unless it's absoultely necessary. in any case i digress.. it wouldn't be a grad night if it weren't for the entertainment, the food, the various contests and of course the company of one's friends who have been with me for almost two years now and in the case of some, four years now. it has been a long journey filled with its ups and downs as i can testify to it personally. i'm glad that it is finally at an end and for once i actually feel at peace for i have finally been able to close two chapters of my life namely the two people whom i actually had strong feelings of affection towards during my this two years in jc. having sealed those feelings away, i found it easier to approach them and hence i now feel a sense of maybe closure and really feel at peace with myself. it turns out that i have never lost someone as i had feared and i am certain that my friendship with another would be strengthened as a result of this. so i must thank both tian zhu and michelle for teaching me what it means to love someone. for loving someone doesn't mean that one has to have his or her feelings reciprocated in kind but rather wish and pray the best for the person no matter what.

back to grad night, the ladies all looked gorgeous and hot in some cases (martin on the phone talking to chris last night i think: guinevere damn hot lol). and of course the guys looked absoulutely dashing except maybe for one person who can't be said to be dashing since he came in a yellow dress and with a red wig to match, which would make him/her kind of weird. my first impression when i saw a person walk into the ballroom with bright red hair was that of "oh my.." martin had the same expression when he saw it. and upon closer inspection, we found out that it was actually a guy who was wearing the wig and that he was in a dress no less, thus easily earning him the title of school clown for the night.

took quite a lot of photos with the class and i am still waiting to see them on facebook or something. so far only marie has put up her photos on facebook people.. i know a lot of you went drinking this morning so good luck to those with hangovers today. o well, got to start packing for my flight early tomorrow morning. my mom forgot to bring quite a lot of stuff. i'll only be back on 26th so please don't call/sms me till then. cya!

finally at peace
rest for the restless soul

p.s. i love T14!

2008-11-30T18:29:00.003+08:00

ok after blogging about the mumbai attacks, may the deceased rest in peace.

the attacks made me realise that this world is indeed corrupted and that there is a need for people with the power to change it to change it for the better rather than waiting for the human race to destroy each other. on the issue of power, one wonders how much power does an individual really have in helping to change the world. anyone can change their society or country for all it takes is a determination and the initiative to make a difference. but when it comes to the macro-scale of human civilisation, an individual is not very powerful, for power is concentrated in the hands of certain individuals. it is these people who can change the world and it is this group of individuals which is needed to steer the world from its own destruction. of course there is also a need for good judgement on their parts but one would expect them to have this given the fact that we have made them into the powerful individual that they are when we gave them the power. i digress... these attacks made me realise that as an individual, i am relatively weak at this point of time. i ask myself if one day in the future i am given that power, would i use it? i definitely would. as of right now, i will work hard towards attaining that power so that i can put an end to conflict in this world and revert it back to the clean slate that it was prior to the corruption. one only wonders about the means which one should go about to achieve this state, for the use of violence to stop violence would only lead to more sorrow and the use of diplomacy has also been shown to be ineffective against the violent. on a more personal side, i guess i'm beginning to lighten up a little, thanks to the people who have helped me through this somewhat trying time. i thank you. we'll just have to see what happens tomorrow then .

leaving in 3 days...

2008-11-30T17:51:00.002+08:00

and just as i typed the last few posts, events unfolded in india which once again demonstrates the extent to which this world has been corrupted by humans. sadness and sorrow once again spreads in the wake of the terrorist attack on mumbai. the blatant disregard for human life by the terrorists has indeed infuriated many nations and claimed many victims of many different countries. and news has also emerged that a lot of the terrorists were only in their 20s, which is a pity for them to lose their lives serving a cause which is unjustified to say the least. i have read on some internet responses to this topic calling religion as the cause of this, arguing that if not for religion, they would have no reason to attack. i find that this is a very shallow view on the topic of conflict. there are many reasons for conflict and most of these once again stems from the fact that humans are not equal. it's also because of this that has caused some to be able to distort and bend the truth towards their advantage and thus inciting conflict amongst people. of course one must wonder what do these people gain out of conflict? on the other hand, the main reason for this particular attack stemmed from religion. or rather the misunderstanding of religion.. once again, humans have corrupted even the sacred texts of their own religion and misinterpreted it in such a way which suits their radical and extremist viewpoint, leading these people to their deaths in the name of their sick cause.

i absolutely condemn terrorists and their warped ideology. in any military operation, be it legitimate or otherwise, one should never target civilians. that's why i hate terrorists. they show no respect to civilian life and damage to infrastructure in an attempt to instill terror in the populace or to make themselves known to the world since such events were easily broadcast worldwide and possibly to rally more people to join their cause by showing the weakness of the governments of the world and that no nation is invulnerable, which was what the world thought of the usa at the start of the century. where out of the rubble of the twin towers arose a new kind of war against a stateless and faceless enemy. and yet while terrorism continued to rear its ugly head across the world, we here in singapore did not pay much attention to such events and continued to live out our lives in peace, saying to ourselves how lucky that we are in a place where such events do not happen. it was only after the fact that a singaporean was held hostage and later killed that the whole nation starts to take note of this. and while we condemn and mourn for the dead, what power do we have to stop this from happening in our own country? instead of just bolstering our defences against such attacks, we should take the lead in helping to stamp out the scourge that is terrorism from our backyards since our country has the expertise and other forms of intelligence which can help to root out the threat. as a leading member of ASEAN, i feel that singapore should take a more proactive stance by working with other nations to combat this threat to the human race.

an unjustified war,
is still a war.
what comes out of war,
other than death and sorrow?

2008-11-27T18:26:00.002+08:00

i just don't know. that's probably how i feel right now. i have no idea how i feel and what to do when the reason which has kept pushing me onwards to the end of the A levels is removed. i feel at a loss as to how to react and emotionally i have no idea how i am supposed to feel right now as the many thoughts start to surface. that which i wrote only covers that which i can put in words. of course there's a hidden force (if u think about it that way) which only exists between certain people. and yet again, this only exists between certain individuals, which brings me back to the point of people not being created equally. i don't believe that i am loved and i certainly don't believe that there's someone for everyone, no offense but if that were true, we would all be able to find our true loves and live happily ever after. yet this is not the case for the many who remain without their other half and eventually die alone. in this world unfortunately, i believe that true love only exists in fairy tales and hence from now on i'm not going to place any hopes on finding another person to love. on the other hand, one cannot live without love. this may sound rather contradictory and perhaps a little pessimistic but i really don't see the point in living a life where one isn't loved. maybe something inside me feels loved but i really do not think that this is the case but rather the basic fact that all animals have a basic will to live and survive which has prevented me from taking my own life on several occasions. and now would be one of those times as i find myself turning to alcohol to help me forget all these memories. of course i don't drink that much to kill me outright but i guess it does help to erase the pain and sorrow. since music is no longer able to do the job for me. kinda ironic for a person with only love songs in his music library to not be able to experience it. love songs are a bunch of lies are they not? or maybe there are just some who are luckier than me to have experienced it and now laugh at those who haven't by singing songs about it? maybe one day i'll forget that all this ever happened. just maybe..

2008-11-24T22:14:00.002+08:00

well, i guess i'm not exactly myself right now. i don't know whether to feel depressed or happy or angry. while i had known this for quite a while now, i used to think that it would be different after the A's were over. i guess nothing is ever what it seems. on one hand, i got myself hurt again but on the other hand, i knew that this was going to happen for some time now and yet as a result of this, the state of the friendship will not change, at least i hope it doesn't. i guess i can't blame the person since it's very hard to like a person who has neither look nor talents nor a large amount of intelligence or charm. i really don't think that i have much as a person, that and the fact that i've yet to find happiness despite being around with friends and all. maybe i'm destined to spend my life as a wandering individual never experiencing what it's like to be loved so i think i'll just resign myself to fate at this point of time. whether i manage to live till that day only God knows.

on the topic of differing abilities/talents of individuals, i find it an irony that such differences exist when man was supposedly created equal. if man was indeed created in that way, all of us would have equal abilities and talents. yet the fact of the matter is that we don't. there'll always be people who are richer,smarter,better looking,more charming,etc than the rest. some may say that while this is true, people with differing abilities lack in other areas when compared with others. if this is so, then what about those who don't have nothing at all, or those who have talents/abilities not recognised or seen by others? has this world become so corrupted that it now looks on the superficial aspects of people or the atributes which are considered to be attractive or desired by society? i really believe that this is the case. this world has become corrupted and i can firmly say that it is because of human beings that the initially pure world was slowly degraded to the state which it is in right now. to tell the truth, i'm sick of this world and sometimes wonder why i still bother living in it. i'm also especially sick of the people who go about their daily lives pretending as though there is nothing wrong with the world. admittedly, i used to be one of these people till i saw for myself the distortion of this world caused by the inhabitants of it. must we keep on killing each other and causing grief to one another? and while all these are happening, we continue our daily lives by thinking that it has got nothing to do with me or just by pitying the people in suffering. if one does not stop the murder of another, wouldn't it be tentamount to not condoning it, and also being guilty of the same crime? in that case then the next time we see people dying as a result of conflict or natural catestrophies, one only need to look in the mirror to find the culprit, for just sitting back and doing nothing would not mean that one is not some how or other a cause in it or helping to spread it.

sorry for being emotional today and making people listen to my rhetoric
not much of a mood to do anything.
i most definitely need time alone to reflect.

2008-11-24T11:38:00.002+08:00

ok.. got back from penang yesterday and man is it great to be back. i thoroughly enjoyed my time there with my friends. after all, the time spent with my friends there is very important, especially due to the fact that i won't be able to see them for a whole month of december as i'll be away in china. good luck to me there.. at least i was doing something at any point of time while i was at penang as compared to china when i have pretty much nothing to do. well, what can i say? penang has a lot of good food and shopping is ery much affordable but i don't think i'll use david's favourite phrase which he used there. the food was one aspect of the trip and watersports was also quite nice, got my first whiteout and caused my friend to lose his specs. sorry jiayi. besides, everyone who had two people on the jetski got a whiteout. haha so i don't feel so bad. also got my first taste of a vodka martini (without the olive) which kinda makes it not a martini.. anyway, it was very nice and i liked it, don't know if the company made it taste nicer since i usually drink with my family and this is the first time i'm drinking with friends. anyway, i'm glad that some people found it nice when it was passed down the table, even if it was a bit strong for some.

well, got a lot of stuff to do. will blog about it another day

2008-11-18T22:55:00.002+08:00

yea the A's are finally over! Thank God all of us made it this far. well, considering the fact that i haven't blogged for quite a while, why not blog about today, especially on this joyous occasion? today is the last day i have to wear the uniform, not that i'll miss it anyway. i can officially kiss goodbye to all my lecture notes and worksheets considering the fact that there is a high probability that i won't be handing them down and i won't be needing them in university. and i'm also going to penang with my friends in two days time.. better to pack early tomorrow haha.

well, today was the last paper and all that stood between me and freedom were the 40 questions of the physics paper 1. completed them in 1 hour and just had a nice time checking through the answers after that. later celebrated Mandy's, Guinevere's and Yi Chun's birthdays.. Happy Birthday to the 3 of them. the original plan today was to go east coast for cycling which i naturally didn't want to be part of due to the fact that i'm currently under medication and also due to the fact that i can't cycle even if my life depended on it. so the plan was later changed as usual and we ended up going to orchard for a variety of activities, 8 guys went to play lan and the rest were walking around orchard. decided to join the walking group since lan was not going to be a fesible use of my money. later all of us ate at far east and i had KFC. still don't know what's so fantastic about fried chicken, maybe i'll never know.. reserved a table for the girls who came to join us later but due to a rather bad choice on my part, we ended up seating in the direction of the smoke coming from a table of smokers. thank goodness we had an empty table which was out of the way of the smoke and immediately switched to it.

not being a rather big fan of horror movies, i.e The Coffin, i decided to join Marie, Mich and Guin in a walkaround along orchard.. i have to admit that it wasn't a very bright idea on my part to tag along with them especially since it felt like i was being an extra.. but not much of a choice since it was either that or a horror movie.. thanks to them once again fo allowing me to hang out with them. we visited quite a number of places along orchard and spent quite a bit of time at the apple shop in orchard cineleisure watching music videos. later joined up with the people from the movie and thank goodness i didn't go since we found out that johan shouted (screamed) out of fear. later went to the arcade there and played a number of games such as para-para, basketball, daytona and i must say that i'm addicted to para-para after playing it for the first time today. apparently i'm not bad for a beginner. it was so fun (and tiring). later ate dinner at the food court downstairs before taking a bus home. wow my legs are pretty tired, better let them rest tonight.

well, now that the A's are over, i'm going on a shopping spree the moment i come back from either penang or china.. gotta see my mood

before A's

2008-10-22T20:53:00.001+08:00

well, went to school today for the last time before the A levels. of course i decided to spend most of the time there in the co-op since we can't go to our classrooms for obvious reasons. the co-op throughout the two years of my jc life has provided me with a place which acts like a second home for those in the cca and it is also through the co-op that i was able to meet and see most of the school population, so i decided to spend most of the time i spent in school today in the co-op to soak up the memories which i have of the place. decided to support the ocip fund this year by buying the "dragonflies" which they were selling. spent $15 to buy 15 of those and proceeded to give them out amongst my friends who were in school at that time. got a silverish grey one for myself. i guess they can be somewhat of a good luck charm for everyone. later went on to do the final goodbyes as well as wishes for good luck and results at the A's. promised to get an A for GP which i feel is in my grasp and that i need to only put in a little more effort to get it. well, jc life has been.. interesting to say the least. i never regretted coming into cjc since it was like the most logical thing being a josephian to go to cjc and i knew that quite a number of people that i know were also going there. met the best bunch of classmates which made me happy and i always enjoyed the laughter in the class. come to think of it, after spending two years in this class, i have finally managed to smile again. can see this in my photos. o well, time to store these memories at the back of my head with the A's coming up. good luck to all who are taking the A's.. God Bless

initializing....exam startup program

countdown clock..loaded

CPU(Coffee Powered Unit)..running at optimal capacity

neuro-linkage..on

auxiliary Power Unit..ready

adjusting for max operating time..adjusting

loading..sniper custom

sniper rifle..0.7mm calibre rexgrip selected

magazine capacity..1 in rifle plus 2 ready

scope..focus scope selected

full armour selected..armour loaded

mission objectives loaded..

proceeding with pre-mission checks..all systems green

launching..

2008-10-15T18:33:00.003+08:00

well, uploaded all the pictures from jethro's phone and even made a video compiling some of the videos and most of the pictures from his camera. i hope that they like it. i have to rant about what my friends are intending to have for accomadation for the trip to penang.. for the guys it's going to be 6 people to a room. no offense, i thank chris and david for sacrificing their time (and their credit cards) to help us book the air tickets and also the accomadation for our trip there but i just feel that squeezing so many people into one room is crazy.. 4 people maybe but 6 people is definitely too much. i think i may get a separate room for myself. although it's less safe especially if something (touchwood) should happen to me while i'm alone in the room, and it is also a bit selfish on my part to hog the room all for myself. and since they have already made the booking, it's also very bad of me to ask them to book another room. wah.. actually got a lot of other stuff to blog about but i think i'll stick with a friend's advice to just not think about the other stuff and just focus on the A levels..

A levels here i come..
Sniping Targets!!!

the things i'll miss in CJC...

2008-10-09T16:48:00.003+08:00

decided to make this post so that i can list all the things about cjc which i'll miss after i leave the college. that has been the reason why my heart has been hurting so much during my bus ride home today. i've got not much time left with my friends before we all go our separate ways after the A levels. it does make one appreciate the time which i have left to interact with them. looking back, there have been many things which i have done wrongly and also messed up a few things.. i'll miss them, of course some more than others.. just kidding :) so here goes nothing.. i'll miss:

1) The places which i spend most of my time in.. namely the co-op and class where we have all had fun joking and doing stuff.
2) My teachers who have put so much effort in teaching us and imparting their knowledge into us.
3) My CCA, which was the place where i got to know more people outside of my own class.
4) Noodle King.. of course who will not miss it?
5) Aunty Amy, the co-op aunty for being the person i can always chat with whenever i am free

And most importantly, my classmates, whom i'll miss for different things... in no particular order,

1) Jethro and Alston, for all the times we ran along the track doing 2.4 and also at the pull up bars for pe and also their encouragement for all the KOs
2) Xiang Fei and Jia Yi, for being the people whom i can release my inner-beng with and Jia Yi for being such a wonderful HTC
3) James for all the times he single handedly arranged morning prayer on tuesday and thursday mornings
4) Lincoln for all the times we ran and did pull ups together till u got your silver, congrats once again
5) Hubert for all the joy and laughter he brings to the class, whether is it due to him being suaned or the other way round. and also all the pranks he plays on unsuspecting people, e.g poking
6) Christopher for even though he is one of the louder people in class, he is also fun to be around with
7) Ernest for his voice definitely, especially his singing voice, which own Johan's hands-down
8) Kavita, Sharmila, Yi Chun and Doren, for possibly being the closest knit group in the class, always doing things together lol
9) The Power Puff Gals, Clarisse, Mandy and Fifi. sugar, spice and everything nice, mixed with an accidental dose of chemical x. there have never been more suitable words to describe the three of them, who bring much joy and laughter to the class with their cuteness haha
10) Samantha for being one of the more mature gals in class, bringing with her an air of elegance and grace
11) Marie for being cute (READ: not act cute) lol and also for being something like the mother figure to people in the class, e.g Martin
12) Guinevere for being the one who is usually stressed learn to relax ok? :)
13) Andrew for being the best dc, ensuring people do their duty and also sometimes taking over their jobs by doing it by himself
14) Martin for being the best PCCG (don't know what it fully stands for even till now) and making the class as united as it is today, we wouldn't have been this united if not for him
15) My Brothers.. Johan and David for being there for me when i was down and really emotional and all the laughs we had with each other, my life in CJC would be totally different if not for them. all the jokes and teasing we had was rather fun.

there are a few people who i may have missed out by accident and i still do want them to know that it has been a pleasure studying with all of them. good luck for A levels people!!

2008-10-06T17:28:00.003+08:00

haha.. feeling much better now. seems like yup, it was oversensitivity on my part. i shouldn't have doubted what she said in the beginning.. and yes i do miss my M&M chocolates and it has no other meaning. i can't eat chocolates till after the exams as i'm scared that i'll get a sore throat or maybe a fever if i don't drink enough water. and also not good for my face which is seriously crazy at the moment. seriously man.. some people think too much, like me lol. don't know why i think so much ;p

o ya i want to knock johan out for being a "pig". ok "pig" is not what i would have said but it works too, although i would have used a much more vulgar term for him. first for writing down on a desk in the lecture theatre that "Marcus is a b****". which is kinda insulting if you didn't know that he was joking and he could be sued for libel in the outside world, not that i will sue him considering the fact that he is a friend.

o well enjoy this photo of my latest edition to my collection of model kits: MG Force Impulse Gundam, took over 6hrs to build

2008-10-03T22:32:00.003+08:00

finally its the weekend once again. i've got a cousin's wedding to attend on sunday and a test on monday when i get back to school. how am i going to study for it? had a rather rough couple of days in school starting on thursday when it all seemed to start crashing down on me... at least that's what i think is happening. i was trying to escape from this scenario from the very beginning and i had a feeling that i coud have started to become increasingly irritating to someone and that this whole cycle is going to repeat itself and that i would lose this friend of mine. i think that i'm beginning to become ignored and this is really putting me off. i have no choice but to escape and hide once again to avoid screwing myself up. at least that's what i think.. either it's true or i'm just being oversensitive. although i don't want to know if it's the former.

i tried to get some people to talk to and they have been able to put my worries to rest.. for now at least. one thing i do know and have to agree with is that i will find out sooner or later but i would prefer to remain in this dream world where i am happy than face up with the reality which may hurt me potentially. it's quite a funny thing when some people ask me if i love her. the truth is that i don't like the word "love" and i will never use the phrase "i love you" when i confess my feelings for someone. i feel that it is the most overused phrase in the english dictionary to the point that it has lost it's original meaning to express one's level of affection to a special someone. and in addition to that, now's not the time to think about such things and yet i am fretting over it. all because i have a slight affection for someone.. listening to the advice of quite a couple of people and ahem.. for now, i have to bury them once again, to hide them from the world.

i wear a mask, if you pull it back,
all you see is sadness.
the reality is that,
men are not created equal.
no matter how we try to deny it,
that is the truth of life.
such is life that i will only love,
never able to be loved.
sad isn't it?

2008-09-30T18:01:00.003+08:00

well tommorrow is the day when some of my friends and i will be going out to celebrate with my friend who books out of bmt tmr. got quite a lot of questions to ask him and also can't wait to see him in his army haircut. speaking of haircut.. no way am i going back to the shopping centre near my place to cut my hair next time. the guy cut it till almost no hair was left. anyway, completed "Diamond Crevasse" and another poem, "Infinity". currently working on a new poem.. for now i'm still taking things easy but it'll be different after this weekend. after this weekend, i'll be focusing 100% on my studies. but before that i have got some things i need to get rid off.. hopefully it goes as i have planned.

2008-09-29T18:42:00.003+08:00

decided to change the song once again.. this time it's Infinity. a nice song in my opinion and it's currently stuck in my head. i feel so much more relaxed now. mayb e it's because of that day or due to the tea i had just now. went to the uob building in the cbd for high tea at the chinese restaurant there. the food was pretty good and we had a good view of the cbd and it's surrounding areas, which included the F1 track. speaking of which, it was a nightmare for ferrari last night. not going to elaborate on that. haha for what happened in school today. but other than those stuff, i feel very happy. my cousin's wedding is this weekend and i can't wait to put on my blazer and my pants which i just sent for alteration during the hoildays. currently working on my latest poem, "Diamond Crevasse", named after one of the new songs i have in my song library. i like this particular song mainly because its a sad love song which was played during one of the episodes of an anime which i was watching.. a really touching scene actually.. the guy died protecting the person he just realised he loved.. watch it on youtube macross frontier episode 20.. almost cried watching it.

2008-09-24T17:33:00.002+08:00

well, given the change in the situation now, i have decided to change the song to "World's End" by FLOW. i decided to tell her about it after weeks of deliberating about it and was prompted to do so before the zephyr got published. and i think that it would have been better to tell her directly rather than wait for the book to tell her about it. yes i think that i like her. and yet i think that i may be in shock. i have no idea whether i just got rejected or whether i was to wait till after the A levels. on 2nd thought who am i trying to kid, it's as plain as day that the moment she said "staying as friends will be better, yea?" meant that i was better off as a friend and that if i try anything else i could forget about it. nevertheless, rejection is rather hard to take and nobody wants to be rejected. although on hindsight, i shouldn't have replied by saying that i suppose that it should be the way for now.. the only thing good which came out of this is that i feel much better having removed something that has been bothering me for a while now. and that i did not lose a friend as a result of my feelings this time. all of which i am grateful for. but on the other hand, i once again find myself having to bury these feelings deep within myself again. perhaps one day we'll be able to laugh about it. yet it is a rather bittersweet moment which i am experiencing right now. i feel like laughing at myself for being this pathetic and guessing correctly that i would be rejected and yet it only does seem to make me feel even sadder. o well, maybe try to recover myself in the next few days and begin focusing on the A levels once again. then think about this after the A levels are over.

bittersweet finale...
the cracks start to show...

2008-09-23T19:35:00.002+08:00

i got the consolation prize for the poetry competition organised by the school's editorial club and won for myself a $20 voucher from borders. won't be keying in any of my new poems to my computer as the microsoft word program is causing my laptop to crash for some unknown reason whenever i want to run it. completed the new poem but i don't feel that it's appropriate to show this to her as it is a rather sad poem meant for the day when i eventually get my heart broken once again. it's quite a pity that i have to plan for the worst case scenario. it only shows the level of self-esteem and self-confidence that i have. after being rejected quite a number of times and when compared with guys who are much better and more eligible for the full 6 years in secondary school and in junior college, one can only guess how low that can be. since time immemorial, it's been rather obvious that charm, physique and a whole lot of other things come into play. really does seem like i'm a despo doesn't it? well i've learnt my lesson and therefore have decided to take things easy as compared to last year. i'm a rather relaxed person now as compared to before. haha. but honestly speaking, i suck at keeping secrets, especially if they are my own and i'm also rather lousy at lying. hahaha

the current state of my face,
is the result of,
the mask that i wear,
to hide my feelings and emotions,
from you and everyone else.

2008-09-20T10:21:00.002+08:00

no electricity at home yesterday so i decided to stay in school for as long as possible. then the security guard came to chase us out of our class at around 5 and then i decided to complete the poem at home. got quite a bit of homework this weekend so i think i'll do it before i finish writing the poem since i currently lack the material to write the next stanza. actually it's not a new poem but i decided to re-write one of my old ones as someone said the original one didn't flow very well. and also due to the fact that i have shown it to someone else other than the person it was intended for, i feel kinda guilty and hence wrote a new one, making sure that it flows this time.

got star wars: the force unleashed yesterday for my psp and the only thing i can say is, wow. the gameplay is quite similar to that of god of war except for the fact that you have force powers to help u along with the game and dispatching your enemies. it feels good to push people of cliffs to their doom muahaha. going to the games convention asia later since my friend managed to obtain passes to the event. i think that it'll be quite fun ^^ help me to keep my mind off other stuff.

2008-09-12T19:01:00.002+08:00

well prelims are over woohoo!! the class and i went to plaza singapura to eat lunch today at the manhattan fish market. my last time eating at another outlet was not a very nice experience and learning from that experience, i played safe by ordering the grilled salmon fillet which was alright and definitely much better than what i had the last time. started out with five people and ended off with about 16 people in the restaurant. but after seeing samantha's portion of dory fish and chips, i couldn't help but feel rather ripped off. overall enjoyed lunch on a whole, although i didn't feel very comfortable at the table as i felt like the odd one out. anyway, as everyone left later, it was a rather "difficult" choice to make as people went to the movies, to bugis to do shopping, walked around doing window shopping i assume. it was obvious that i couldn't go watch movies for rather obvious reasons, didn't want to go bugis or walk around as i was feeling rather tired, plus i'll be going out with my ncc friends tommorrow for a send-off party.

it's a good thing that exams are over but as i was taking the bus back home, i couldn't help but feel rather melancholic. i was not happy at all. i felt as though i was missing/forgetting something. just can't place my finger on it. it maybe the exams and the fact the "i can't believe that it's over" syndrome or it could be something else , which i decline to speculate since i still want to reject it. i can't and i refuse to accept what my heart is telling me. i just can't, not at this point of time bring myself to tell the truth which i have hidden away from the world.

once again i walk down the path,
of loneliness and solitude,
searching for the light,

2008-09-10T20:31:00.002+08:00

well, the prelims are almost over. with only the paper 1 left for both chemistry and physics, one would normally be relaxing right about now but given the way which i did for the papers 2 and 3, i may think otherwise. at least the papers are in the afternoon so i have time to just relax a bit and recover from the shock of today's double paper. it was a rather tiring day due to the double and also due to the fact that my stomach was giving me some trouble. in hindsight, mabe eating tom yam was not a good idea after the number of times i went to the toilet this morning. perhaps i may return to eating eggs for tmr's lunch. going out with my sji ncc part mates this saturday and it's going to be a rather large gathering since we are sending off one of our own before he gets enlisted next week. hopefully they either go to play pool or lan so i can destress. in need of some serious rest and relaxation, especially with the amount of money i have to collect once school lessons resume. how i long to continue writing.. maybe i have become addicted to writing, haha. it still remains the most effective way for me to put my feelings into words rather than keeping it in my heart.

can't fight the moonlight..

2008-09-06T17:48:00.002+08:00

well the holidays are ending soon and i practically used the holidays to relax after the first half of the prelims were over. it is mentally taxing for such a major exam. thank goodness that i've got friends whom i can talk to online as well as play cards with lol. gained a few levels at zany bridge ^^. another thing which put me off was the constant renovations going on in my block. my blog is currently undergoing lift "upgrading".. don't know if it can be called upgrading especially since upgrading something is with the intention to IMPROVE it. based on the other lift which has been "upgraded", i would have to say that money for the town councils could be better spent on other projects and that the town council is only wasting money on such projects which only provides a new lift landing on the 2nd floor, in addition to a smaller, much slower lift. in addition, i now have a new alarm clock which never fails to wake me up at 9am in the morning, courtesy of my neighbour upstairs who now has some drilling and hammering going on in his house. even on a saturday when people want to sleep in. with so much noise, how can one possibly study? maybe i should have dragged myself to school to study then yet again, i don't like the complete silence in school the last time i went there to study and there is a high chance that i'll just end up talking with my friends there.

speaking about friends, i kinda miss them in the one week that we do not have to go to school and there's only about 5 weeks left in the school year before we go on study break before the A levels. this means that i've only got around that amount of time left with my friends before the A levels and finally graduation night. like a friend of mine once said, the longer i drag this, the more unsure and "radical" my feelings will get. at this point of time, i do not wish to confess my true feelings for her but then yet again, my heart is screaming and yelling at me to do it. i have no idea as to what to do now when i look at her. i get rather speechless and i feel as though i can't breathe. another reason is that i do not wish to distract her from her studies although i think that this is highly unlikely since she is rather focused. and at the same time, i also don't want a repeat of last year. and like i've said, i'm willing to sacrifice my feelings as long as she won't get distracted, so i've got to walk down the solitary path once again.

i yearn to reveal the last stanza,
but now's not the time
i just care too much for you.

2008-09-02T21:33:00.003+08:00

this is something i've been keeping inside me for a very long time now.. i just got the realisation once again what an ass hole my brother is.. i mean like he's probably one of the most f***ed up person in the world. just now i wanted to borrow the mousepad to test out the mouse which i have swapped with the house computer.. not only did he resist me taking the mousepad from underneath his palm even though i asked him really nicely, when i realised there was no problem with the mouse, i wanted to put the mousepad back and not only did he not allow me to do so despite me asking him once again nicely and me attempting to lift his arm gently so that i can slide the mousepad underneath, he started being an ass hole by openly voicing his displeasure by talking back at me and hence we started our argument. like the opening salvo of a bombardment, we shouted at each other and i almost lost my temper and wanted to either break the mousepad or smack his face with it. a number of vulgarities came out and i once again hate my parents for spoiling and giving in to him time and time again. just a few days ago, my parents informed me via sms that they had bought what my brother had asked for, a diabolo, something like a yoyo.. with their money.. and for comex this year, i was not allowed to buy a laptop WITH MY MONEY!! like wth man?? and what's more is that i'm the one who's exceling in his academics, not failing his subjects such as chinese, which is one of the easiest subjects to pass. how can he call himself chinese if he can't even pass his mother tongue? all the insults which i have to listen to day in and day out, sometimes i feel as though he is trying to test my patience and that of others. he fell sick a couple of days back and i nagged at him to go see the doctor as the doctor was only open till noon. even when i left the house i told him to see a doctor, he was still lazing around on the daybed... and when i came back in the evening, not only did he go to the doctor, he was still in his pjs. then when my mother called and asked if he went to see the doctor, he said that he didn't. and why is that so? it was becaue my grandmother didn't bring him, i mean like how can you expect your grandmother to bring you to see the doctor when you're already 15 years old? and it's not that you are bedridden or sick to the point where you can't walk or are about to faint. even the lady at the clinic also laugh at him for needing my grandmother to bring him to see the doctor. seriously sometimes i wonder why i have never bothered to lay even a finger on him when i get angry at him.. i have seen other people who are also older brothers and have seen them beat up their siblings for various reasons and since young i have never beaten him up or anything like that. maybe it's because i'm scared of getting scolded by my parents or it's because i don't want to fight him since one has to admit that he's still my younger brother and i should give way to him on account that he's younger and hence less mature than i am. of course i have to say that this will not last forever since there will come a day where he will have to wake up. sooner or later my patience will wear thin and i'll finally lose all the anger inside.. the fact that my laptop now crashes on startup plus the impending continuation of the prelims doesn't help to make things any easier for him or myself.

2008-08-30T22:08:00.003+08:00

so sleepy today.. got up early this morning as i was supposed to meet terence at toa payoh before we took a bus to plab for the rsaf open house.. had quite a nice time there and got to watch the aerial display of the air force which in my opinion was rather well executed, which is a good change as compared to the usual stuff we see at the airshows. after the open house, terence, yi cheng and i took a train all the way to ps where we had lunch at cafe cartel. had a ceasar's salad which we all shared and also the forest of mushrooms pasta. later decided to walk to park lane to play lan instead of pool since pool was going to be more expensive per hour. played bf2 with the two of them and put up quite a good fight against a computer side which was numerically superior. at the same time, can't help but feel sorry for some of the bots which i blew up using my grenade launcher while they were in a jeep. who am i kidding? it was so much fun! got to destroy two jeeps in a row by blowing them up woots ^^.

sleepy..zzz =_=

2008-08-26T16:57:00.003+08:00

ok.. i want to rant today.. i am sick and tired of someone asking who i like.. and today was the last straw.. i can't take it anymore, i have already answered the damned question repeated times and don't want to repeat myself so many times!!! seriously, some people ought to just learn to keep their mouths shut. and if asking wasn't enough, u all go and disturb others saying stuff like "eh u know ah, Marcus likes etc etc..." i mean like what the hell man? couldn't u just keep quiet? i want to settle my problems by myself an you're not helping me in anyway and you're testing my patience which frankly is running very thin especially with all the stress which i am already getting from the prelims and you're just adding to the load. i hope that you will understand, that it's not time yet... especially now that i'm starting to feel my body weaken. i am already beginning to feel very tired easily so please do not push me any further..

Instead of madness
I offer a prayer
I love you
By the guidance of the constellations…

I want to survive
I still want to live
I love you
Until I show off my serious heart
I won’t sleep

2008-08-24T11:34:00.002+08:00

went to school yesterday to revise for prelims and i was able to complete the chemistry 2007 A level paper. studied with some of my classmates and managed to put in at least a few hours of studying. i just realised that i'm now officially addicted to music and writing. don't know why that is so but i find myself wanting to write once again. tried a subway one foot long sandwich and managed to finish it surprisingly. later chatted with my friends before leaving for home. on the bus back, johan told me that i have to change the way i appear to gals otherwise i will never get a gf. the way i understood it was that i have to change myself so that others will like me and frankly speaking, i would rather have someone like me for who i am rather then the person i appear to be to them. and of course, someone else also got me thinking about some other stuff.. do i view a gf as a tool, just for emotional support/ for show? at this point of time, given the fact that i have not been in a rather srious relationship with anyone, i would have to say that the jury is still out on that question. but for myself, my definition is someone who gives me emotional support/encouragement and that i can love/help/protect that person with all my heart and soul. yet that definition is still inadequate since i also have some other feelings which determine this which i have no idea how to put in words... wait a minute.. focus on prelims.. back to the books!

2008-08-23T11:32:00.002+08:00

this will most likely be the last blog post before the prelims and since i still have quite a lot of studying to do, i'll try to make this as short as possible. finally completed all the poems which i wanted to compose and also finished a prose of 2000+ words in one night. fond it rather easy surprisingly considering the fact that i haven't written stories for a number of years now. looking back, i think my style of writing has indeed changed quite a bit. i think that it has matured somewhat and my vocaulary has expanded quite a bit since then. i have also rediscovered my love for writing. i now use it as a way to express my feelings about particular events or people. i always feel relieved and happy nowadays when i complete my works. i guess the competition helped me to rediscover this but then it couldn't have come at a worse time especially with prelims drwing near, its not so good to be in front of my laptop typing away into the late hours of the night. went to school yesterday to submit a completed poem and the prose. i think the story was kinda well done although i feel that it lacked character development as i had to squeeze quite a bit of stuff into as short an essay as possible. didn't want to bore whoever is the judge and as such squeezed it into a 3 and a half page work although i may lengthen it to include more character development in future when i do have the time. who knows, may end up with an anime series lol... o well, its good to be creative in one's works. to all my friends who visit my blog, good luck with your revisions and the prelims! ^^

haven't started studying yet...
starting to feel the stress,
time to hit the books!

2008-08-18T19:37:00.002+08:00

two posts in the same day is rather hard to do but here goes nothing. as the sun sets, i see the lightning arcing in the sky from the place where i'm typing near the balcony.. it looks as though it's going to rain. like i said, still feeling high after hearing that lincoln managed to attain a silver for napfa, i guess this calls for a celebration. will bring the hershey's kisses to school after prelims ^^ got two packs here for special events and i think this would qualify as one of them. on the other hand, i better not take the chocolates since my face is starting to undergo the same transition which it does every term or so when i feel seriously stressed. although i have no idea what it is i'm stressed about right now. probably due to the fact that i have yet to even touch a single book/lecture note for prelims. hence i have no idea whether to attend night study in the following nights. kinda tempted to since it would provide a great alternative rather than coming home to switch on my laptop. i think i may actually consider it although i have no idea how packed the buses will be at that hour. that may actually determine whether i will go for it. i definitely do not want to get packed like a sardine.. may also consider going to school this weekend to study as well, depending on whether i can get a group of friends to go with. preferably people who are able to answer my questions if i have any.

going to donate blood on wednesday again.. it will be my 5th blood donation in 3 years. looking forward to it as always. hope to get another squeeze toy again. so far i got a blood bag, a heart, a soccer ball and a blood drop.. haha collector's item.. ^^ i encourage all the guys in my class who is able to donate to donate their blood.

as i look at the dark sky now, i reflect on the stuff which i have done.. whilst i hate being lied to and encourage others to tell the truth, i now find myself lying to cover up some things which i don't want people to find out about. i have no idea why i turned to lying instead of telling the truth. perhaps it is for the best that certain people do not find out the truth at this point of time. for the truth may be a bit too hard for them to handle and it may also have some unintended consequences. that's not to say that lying is good but then in the short run, it will have to do.. so i apologise to those who i am currently lying to.. although u won't know unless i tell u that i'm lying right? on the other hand, since i hardly lie, it can also be said that i'm a rather lousy liar so my lies may have already been seen through. o well...

2008-08-18T16:49:00.004+08:00

just got word that lincoln finally attained a silver for his napfa test.. outstanding.. finally he passed all his stations. thank goodness some of us ran with him this morning and he managed to run a rather respectable timing of 12minutes27seconds, which i think is a pesonal best for him.. yay.. as for myself, i guess i can forget about it especially since the number of pullups i can do is still zero but like what david said, i actually can don't take it but still, no harm trying for it right? gives me motivation to continue exercising, especially after how much i think i will gain after my parents go back to china tmr.. have been pigging out thanks to them since my mum is complaining that i am becoming too skinny...zzz

well submitted three poems for the lit competition today and i feel kinda good to be able to get such a big load off my shoulders. can't remember exactly which 3 poems i submitted though.. hahaha.. james won third place at the magazine club's essay writing competition. congrats to him and i hope i would be able to match if not perform better at this competition. can't remember why i had so much doubts as to whether i can win it. thanks to her for encouraging me to do so or i won't have any chance of winning in the event that i kept it with myself, which is quite true. so to increase my odds, thought that submitting another two poems at the same time wouldn't hurt. now working on the last poem out of 3 dedicated to two people in class. it is to wrap up the two poems which i have given to each of them. i hope that i haven't exhausted my inspiration. how could two people be so similar and yet different at the same time? this would make it a greater challenge to compose the poems for them. a trio of poems... wow, didn't think that i could write this much.. back to work, working title "TTS".. hope to get it done by prelims next week ^^

2008-08-14T17:15:00.002+08:00

decided to change the song.. to "A New Day Has Come" by Celine Dion. she has a very nice voice.. particularly one of my favourite songs. taking a break before i start revising for the chem test tmr. at this point of time, i wish to thank all those who have helped me pull through every crisis which i have faced in my jc life, be it from studies, lost love, etc. thank you to each and every one of you. after glancing through the affirmations which my class has made for one another, i have come to the conclusion that i am a despo who is focusing on getting a gf rather than studying.. lol, o well i'll take it as a compliment haha.. but seriously, i'll be focusing on the A levels till it is over and done with. that's my primary objective and i will make sure that it is accomplished. writing poems may become a rather profitable thing to do if i win the $100 up for grabs.. assuming that i do send in one entry at least. but some things still keep me from sending one in: first is due to the fact that i did put my feelings towards a person into it, most of the time feelings of love and compassion (ok mostly love), i don't know what the person will think of the poem which i have dedicated to her. if one does not like it, should i send it in anyway? secondly, i don't think of myself being a very good poet and hence may only make a fool of myself if i send it in. thirdly, if one was to see the completed poem in its entirety, it may be an open public declaration of love to that person which may not be wise to let the whole school know.. on the other hand, someone has already sent in part of a poem of mine for the same competition, he used the first two parts of the poem and changed the title. while i don't hold anything against the person, i still can't believe that he actually dared to pass off another person's work as his own. i now know how the person felt when he broke her heart.. but one thing i do know is that i couldn't even possibly begin to understand the feelings which she must have felt when i told her the truth about him. she must have been devastated. yet, i think she must have taken it in her stride and just moved on especially since they have returned to being friends. perhaps this is one reason, she has a very strong spirit and heart, which is quite contrary to my own. if only i had such strength..

anyway, i will be helping lincoln with his 2.4km tmr. i hope that he can pass especially since his timing is hovering rather close to the passing time already.

Hush, now
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love

2008-08-08T21:27:00.002+08:00

i know i just blogged yesterday but i couldn't talk about all the things that i wanted to since i was pretty tired after the week was over. the college celebrated national day today with a walk from college all the way to ccab. when we got there, it was pretty boring since my class was sitting at one corner of the multi-purpose hall and was left out for most of the proceedings. this shows the lack of planning and consideration by the people who planned the event in not taking into account the people who will be left out due to the activities which happened in the main part of the hall. in fact i feel that the whole event would have been much better if the college just celebrated the day in the college itself. anyway, after the event at ccab, our class went to golden rooster at coronation to have our lunch.. decided not to eat with them due to the fact that i wanted some time alone to gain inspiration for the poem i'm currently working on. can't seem to continue after the first four stanzas. this problem could also have been due to the fact that i have feelings for the person. i have to admit that these feelings are not mature enough yet though. this was very evident as i got quite jealous of someone who was to me, continually trying to get close to her even though it is rather obvious that he already is seeing someone else. (i hate two-timers) but in the event that he was still single then i guess i would also have been jealous anyway. this goes to show that my feelings for her are not as mature as i hope.

on the same topic of my feelings, i have no idea what's wrong with my head right now that i have feelings for two people. as such i have decided to give myself some time till after the a levels to come up with a solution for this. i don't think that it'll be distracting to my a levels but one has to be careful especially when i'm rather vulnerable to attacks on my heart. one of them especially is a rather good friend of mine and i really don't wish to sour the relationship which we currently have, although it is rather obvious to me that my rather.. awkward actions seem to be pushing it to that end. to that extent, i think i better lay low for the next couple of weeks leading up to the prelims.

back to work on the poems...

2008-08-07T19:27:00.002+08:00

ok since i got the time before my parents return, i'm going to write an entire blog entry about johan in retaliation for what happened today.. muahahaha.. oh my goodness.. johan has some homosexual tendencies.. since david is enjoying his 5 day mc for extracting his wisdom tooth, i decided to take his seat in class so that i would not feel as though i am an island cut off from the rest of the row. bad idea.. johan started having some rather weird actions during gp when he started leaning over to me and putting his arm around me. this later turned into some physical stuff which he did with christopher during econs lecture today and it's rather obvious that it caugh the attention of some other people in the lecture theatre, can u imagine two 18 year old students touching each other's thighs? so disgusting. later it got even more disturbing when he started stroking the bottom of alston and my chair. and if that wasn't enough, he started talking about some rather insulting stuff with respect to "imagine ahem..." u can probably imagine all the sexual stuff which came out of his mouth later.. totally insulting.. couldn't take it after a while and moved back to my old seat.. goodness.

o well, finally bothered to type in the poems which i have composed over the past few weeks. so now i have 18 stored in my computer with another 2 in the works. the 18th, 19th and 20th are dedicated to two individuals in class and i do hope that they like them. i think i'll finish composing these two before i move on to writing for the literature writing competition. to write a prose is going to be rather hard since the last time i actaully wrote a story was most likely in secondary school. i think i should be able to give the art students a run for their money, which by the way is $100 in cold hard cash as well as getting one's work published in the zephyr.. the college's magazine which showcases good works from the students, which would indeed be an honour for someone from a science class. in hindsight, perhaps i would be performing better academically if i had chosen to go into the arts stream. that said, i do not regret the choice which i have made.. i have enjoyed my time with my class and made quite a lot of new friends across the span of two years. and besides, an arts education is going to make it a little bit harder for me to enter the school of sciences at nus. however, i think that i may have discovered a new passion. i may want to study law after i leave cjc. after hearing the speakers at think career day last week, i am really tempted to try for law at either nus or smu. however, as to which type of law i would like to specialise in, i'm not so sure about it yet. can't make the decision between criminal law and corporate law. i would really want to do my part in helping to bring criminals to justice but not as a policeman. i feel that there is a need for people such as public prosecutors to make sure that the evil in the world are given their due justice and that all victims in crimes would be able to seek redress for that which has been done unto them.

oh yeah, found out today that my home tutor actually has read my blog before.. don't know if this is supposed to be a good thing but since i have put some stuff on the blog, i think it's ok for everyone to see and also expect to be teased/suaned by people about some of the things written here especially about certain issues. tmr's the college's national day celebration and we'll be walking from school to ccab before dancing there. should i start picking dance partners? haha.. i think i'll leave it to fate. if it's meant to be it's meant to be. i'll wait till after a levels before attempting to woo anyone.. (yes to any gal who thinks i'm wooing u, relax till after a levels lol).. a levels are very important.. at least that's what i've been hearing for ages..

love vs studies
a very difficult choice, no?

2008-08-04T19:51:00.002+08:00

just when i thought someone could like me.. i found out that the smses were sent by someone else as prank-sms.. like what the hell? how can someone use another person's feelings to play with the person? excuse me while i go cry.. my heart has been completely broken once again.. how could i have been lied to? or at least someone should have stopped me. or rather, i should not believe things which will never happen.. never again can i like someone.. i hope the person who sent the prank-sms is happy.. coz the person just got the satisfaction of making the biggest fool out of me.. and totally crushed my heart.. why do humans have to be so cruel? heartbreak once again.. just when i thought i was going to heal it.. my heart got shot once again.. i really feel like dying.. please end my miserable and meaningless existance.. i don't want to love or be loved anymore.. i just can't take it anymore!!!

2008-07-28T18:17:00.002+08:00

just need to rant a bit.. JOHAN LIEW... GO BURY URSELF SOMEWHERE... AND PRAY I DON'T FIND U!!!!

2008-07-27T12:16:00.003+08:00

decided to change the music for the blog.. at least it is something everybody can understand.. its quite old but i can still remember it from such a long time ago.. i remember falling in love with the song the first time i heard it.. my parents will be coming back on the 7th so looks like i can't afford to slack liao.. with prelims and the A levels coming closer with each passing minute, it is understandable that people are going to become increasingly stressed out. so comes the critical question.. does one focus on studies or does one continue to talk about other stuff such as romance? and if one were to choose either path, one should push on and never look back.. if the fantastic four read my blog, this question is directed at the two whose answer i have no idea of.. but on the other hand, is it possible for one to become one who places work above relationships? i agree with the view that humans need relationships for emotional support and comfort and i feel that humans have unique qualities unseen to the person who has them.. perhaps this is something which nobody can change as it is inborn and defines who we are in this world..

racial harmony day at cjc was fun to say the least. our class won the second place for the racial harmony costume design competition and $120 worth of haagen daz vouchers woot! i like haagen daz.. too bad its damn expensive.. in celebration, i've gotten toblerone chocolates to share with the whole class.. must remember to bring to school tmr.. took quite a lot of photos with my classmates, some of which i'm now being suaned for.. zzz.. come on la the three of u, its just a photo.. there's no hidden hint or message.. so no need to suan or anything.. i mean like take a look at the photo la.. its just a photo of two friends (and david or johan if u make fun of this i'll kill both of u). nevertheless, the photos came out pretty well so i'm not complaining.

and yet i still think about some rather irrelevant stuff.. i think civil home.. no it can't be la.. haha.. one of the fan 4 was saying to me after taking the photo that he wanted to surrender and give in to me.. aiya.. can't believe he's so low in confidence because of one photo.. so i had a fun time with him online last night.. but still, can't help but see in in their point of view.. better to play an observer.. human relationships are quite interesting.. however if one were to get involved, one would not be able to maintain one's neutrality as emotions and feelings would get thrown into the mix.. so if it's increased trust or feelings, i leave it to the person to decide.. nevertheless, i won't win coz the so-called winning would still depend on the person who she has in her heart.. i hope that u'll be able to understand.. at this point of time, i can't get into the mix..

the eyes are the gateway to one's thoughts and heart..
if only i could have a better look..

2008-07-20T20:26:00.002+08:00

it's been quite a while since i last blogged hasn't it? anyway, it has been a rather busy few weeks for me as i settle down towards the prelims and the A levels.. also, i have now become the person people seek advice for relationships.. surprisingly that four people have come to see me so far and man is it a complicated thing they have going on.. anyway, the thing with them is more or less settled since i put quite a lot of thought to helping the parties involved especially since it was my two brothers in school who are involved in this.. the gals in the situation are both good people and i'm quite happy for them to have found someone they can like.. however, i had to stop someone from continuing since i felt that it was not good to play with the feelings of a person especially if the person has complete trust in you and likes you.. as such i had to stop that person before he broke the gal's heart.. i gave away his plan willingly and ended up destroying the friendship between the two.. david said that i did it because i wanted her for myself.. i told him that i wouldn't resort to such means to get the person i want.. i did it because she was my friend and i did not want to see her get hurt.. as to why i don't want to see her get hurt then i have no idea.. perhaps i was indeed attracted to her at one point of time in the past.. i wonder if she reads myblog.. but since now david's chasing her then i won't fight with him.. i'd rather that david like the person and the pserson like him in return then fight with them.. i'd rather let my heart and myself suffer and let her be happy then fight with my brothers even if i need the emotional support from a special someone.. that's the principle i'm working on.. i won't fight with them over the person as fighting never has a happy ending for anyone.. but i'll make sure that no harm comes to the two gals involved.. i'll let all of them follow their hearts.. still, i can't help but feel that warm feeling within me when i talk with her.. wait a minute.. must be hallucinating.. moving on..

went for guitar concert on friday after floorball.. kudos to chris for taking all those penalty shots for me.. too bad we eventually lost 1-0 on penalties.. still a brilliant effort from our class team which was made up of people who were playing the game for the first time.. guitar concert was fantastic and my friends and i enjoyed ourselves throughout the performance and later we went to orchard road at night.. a pity that the whole place was closing for the day so it was more or less a wasted trip for those who went there.. sorry guys.. waited quite a while for the bus before i remembered that one should never attempt to take a bus to bukit panjang so late at night unless one aspires to be a sardine.. went for the scholar's choice thing today with a few of my classmates and it was a rather ok thing but who am i lying to? everyone was there for the free food.. my friends and i didn't want to queue with the masses at the "networking" session and so decided to leave suntec.. we met some of our j1s at the event and i got to find out a bit more about the scholarship programmes available to us students.. david remarked something which i find quite logical.. why did the people at sph send the invitations to our school especially since our school isn't the best in terms of results and the chance for our people to get scholarships are much much lower compared with the jcs down the road.. i have to agree with him to a certain extent but it was a good chance for us to find out about scholarships and also to give us something to work towards as we approach the A levels.. i think i'll try for the Ministry of Foreign Affairs scholarship.. it'll be interesting to work overseas and meet people from across the globe.. at least i have a target to work towards to..

advice for those in love..
be true to your heart..
but do not rush things..

2008-07-02T19:04:00.002+08:00

seriously.. some people are in need of a serious awakening.. i'm not just refering to some people after the mid-years (actually no need to.. most have already awakened) but i'm refering to my brother.. a brief intro, he's in sec 3 this year and is studying in a school nearby. unfortunately, he has a serious attitude problem with my authority over him especially with respect to his friends and where he goes on weekends. firstly, he invited one of his primary school friends over to my house and my grandmother let him in.. i have no problems with the person a particular but the one i have a serious problem with is the guy's mother.. the mother has called my house on quite a few occasions with regards to her son and at that time, my brother asking him to follow him to church. its not that i discourage people going to church but i feel that the mother is really too much for calling up my house and asking some stuff, such as info on what my parents are doing in china, i mean like, who the hell gave her the right to probe into the situation of my family and why the hell do i need to listen and answer her questions with regards to this? i can sense that she feels that my brother is a bad influence on her son but i would beg to differ. ever since my brother met her son in primary school, his grades have been slipping, which resulted in him entering a neighbourhood school (no offence) and he has become quite rebellious against my parents and i. yet he claims that he wants to be a Christian.. no offence but i'm quite sure that churches do not teach people to disrespect their parents. so i can only assume that this was the result of mixing with bad influences. namely his choice of friends.. actually not so bad for most of them but for a certain some, its really bad..

and yet it seems that i myself am judging my brother. perhaps this is because of lack of sleep as a result of my aircon failing half way through the night last night.. how ironic since i just got it maintained a few days ago.. on my personal side, i'm quite happy since i finally realise that its actually quite good to be single.. even though i lack the emotional support as a result, its quite good to feel independent especially after a scare from david and johan.. phew

being single is great!! =)

2008-06-04T16:41:00.002+08:00

i don't know who still reads my blog but i guess i should blog one last time before i depart for china tommorrow. i haven't even started packing the books which i'll be studying during my stay there. just bought a few things which i'll be needing while i'm there. 4 packets of timtams and 4 boxes of pocky.. decided to bring my mp3 along with me so that i won't die of lack of music. i will be revising my work there and having a "relaxing" time at this weekend before i go back to the apartment to study etc.. thank goodness for discovery channel over there. o well, hopefully my brother will be too occupied with the tv so that i can have the comp there for myself and blog and chat with my friends. have fun during the school holidays pple, remember to study hard!! :)

2008-06-01T09:36:00.002+08:00

wow, if i were to use one word to describe last night's dance concert, i would have to use the word spectacular. fantastic just won't adequately describe it.. the dance club performed for what seemed like a full house of students both current and former as well as guests. the performance started off very well and moved at quite a fast pace throughout, showing videos showcasing the dance club from its founding years to its status today. the highlight of the performance for me would be the segment which got them the syf gold last year "firefly". it was wonderfully done in my opinion as the only glimpses of the dance was through photos from the annual. it was a joy to see it for myself. they certainly deserved the gold.

well, i'll be leaving in a few days time and don't know if i'll be able to post on blogger while i am in china.. got ns medical on tuesday and i gotta start packing my stuff for my trip there. sianzzzz...

2008-05-30T18:12:00.001+08:00

photos of 1/100 Master Grade Strike Freedom Gundam

wanted to upload these for quite a while now.. stay tuned for the next one..

2008-05-28T11:58:00.002+08:00

let's see.. what have i been doing over the past few days.. on monday i went to play badminton with some of my friends at tanglin cc after a meeting in school. who would have thought that the meeting only lasted about 10 minutes? that made me super early for the badminton session which was going to start at 3pm. when it finally began we had fun playing and i did not notice that i had a habit of putting my hand which is not in use behind my back. played till about 5 plus when we went to the canteen to have our dinner before some guys had to leave for ics nite in school. when they left, jiayi and i kept hubert company before his father came to pick him up. when jiayi and i talked about our studies. he needs help with his physics and was considering asking tianzhu for help. i gav him her number and asked him to call since i thought that our phones had a problem so it may also have a problem with his phone. much to my surprise, the call went through. later smsed to check if the "problem" with my phone was still existed. apparently it did not have any problems.. that means only one thing..

got kinda emotional after that especially when she said "what's e matter now". i just did not know how to reply to such a question. hence i decided to go out yesterday to have some coffee to relax and at the same time have someone to chat with. asked doren but she had training so i asked someone else out and it was quite surprising that the person accepted especially since we don't really talk much in school. i guess it was quite beneficial since we were able to talk quite a lot while having coffee and cake. that really lightened my mood. did not feel emo after that..yay.. hope to have another coffee session sometime soon..

leaving in about slightly more than a weeks' time so i have started to do my homework. just completed maths and will be moving on to the gp factsheet tommorrow. i'm looking forward to the dance concert this weekend where i'll be supporting martin our class' dancer. hope that they put up a great performance ^^

2008-05-24T09:14:00.002+08:00

wanted to blog yesterday but was too tired after the gp paper. well i think that the paper was rather challenging but i don't think that i would fail my gp. anyway, after the ne quiz, andrew,martin,clarisse,mandy,fifi and i went out for lunch at far east plaza where we had la mian.. not bad and the price was quite affordable to sudents.. after lunch, martin had to leave for his dance practice with his gals..lol and andrew,i and the gals went shopping. don't know why martin warned me not to go but i was quite used to the rate at which the gals later shopped at.. at least they were faster than my mum.. i didn't die so i'm ok with it. shopping was quite a new experience for me especially when andrew left and i was the only guy left.. which was kinda weird at first and mich joined the group later at wisma.. wow we went from far east to lucky plaza to wisma and then to takashimaya.. quite pro.. along the way shopping was kinda weird since most of the shops were meant for ladies and they even went to a lingerie shop which i of course didn't wish to go in and listen to them talking about some ladies stuff so i just stood outside and drank water to rehydrate myself. on a whole it was quite survivable (thank God we went to zara, i needed to get a pair of pants for myself) later went to fox where the gals bought some stuff for themselves and met gabriel there (no prizes for guessing why he was there) i wouldn't mind going shopping again soon especially with the great singapore sale going on but this time could more guys come? i want to get a pair of sunglasses, pants and perhaps one or two model kits after the exams end.. speaking of which, will be going to china to study for the mid-years...

2008-05-14T19:35:00.002+08:00

i just read a post on my friend's blog regarding religion and the existance of God. I do believe that there is the existance of God. but what i have seen so far leads me to believe otherwise. why do humans continue to cause suffering to each other? as humans we should be able to live in peace by overlooking our differences and finding common ground which we can build relationships on. yet it seems that people are being sent to their deaths day after day because of the decisions made by their leaders. so who is the one at fault here? is it the leaders who order the killing or is it the person who pulls the trigger? history has shown that many moments in time were decided by the trigger. human history has been a bloody one right from the beginning. i guess humans no matter how civilised they claim to be will always have that basic instinct to be the top dog in the sense.. yet there are also things which humans do not know. and i too do not claim to know what lies in the future. perhaps all these events fall into place in a big picture which God has laid out for humans. one can only pray that the chaos ends and that humans would be able to stop fighting.

only then will peace reign,
till the end of time.

2008-05-13T18:49:00.003+08:00

gazing out my window, i guess that its now up to me.. to put a stop to this nonsense and clean the mess which i started myself.. no more relying on others. this is something i got to do on my own. the longer i delay it the more it is going to screw up. wow i created a self perpetuating mess.. i guess the only way to go now is to see what happens when i finally find the time to do it.. over the phone or face-to-face although chances are that i would not set my eyes on her even if i were to talk. hopefully it'll clear up this mess. i don't think i'll be forgiven.. after all its not gentlemenly to act like a jerk towards women.. can't blame her now can i?

in any case, if she's angry/irritated at me, she sure does not show it or is at the least willing to talk about it.. at least that's what my friend has told me..which brings me back to the point.. i think there could have been a mix-up of communications frequencies just now when i accidentally called morgan even though the call was meant for benson. maybe his iphone intercepted the call and it never got to benson. so my deduction tells me that it was benson who sent the message.. anyway, will talk to him about that tmr.

my mood does seem to have been spoilt by this small incident. should i look for the person who caused it and just go sadist mode on him? no one knows how sadistic i can get and there is a good reason for it. i personally don't like to do it but then again, i could get back at whoever is causing this and derive pleasure from causing him pain.. hahahaha.. better stop with the evil laughter/thoughts.. thank goodness for music which keeps me on the bright side..

tmr's just another day.. of sadness and misery..
must humans continue harming each other?
haven't we learnt our lesson?
fighting only creates hatred and misery..
put a stop to the fighting now!

2008-05-13T18:17:00.002+08:00

zzz.. don't know how to start this but i just got a message not long ago from benson's phone: "stop messaging my classmates.." i had no idea what was going on so i called benson and much to my surprise, it was morgan who picked up the phone and not benson.. later checked the sender of the message and it was benson.. but then morgan said it was his phone and that he had not lent it to anyone nor sent a message to my phone.. which makes me feel rather confused as i have contacted benson before and it was indeed his phone number.. perhaps i can check again with him later or something.. strange.. checking with his classmate now.. correct number leh.. so weird.. maybe its a prank or something.. i really hope that it is as if it were real then i really got nothing to say since the sms was quite hurtful.. perhaps i should talk to him tmr to check..

o well, looks like nothing much is going my way the past few days.. i haven't been able to concentrate on the remaining few days in the first semester before the mid-years begin.. gotta get my head in the game.. will have dinner first.. then continue blogging later.

2008-05-05T19:26:00.002+08:00

its been two weeks since i last blogged.. seems like an eternity in blog standard.. anyway, i'm coping pretty well and still continuing on my path to somewhere.. at least i think its leading somewhere. Just had the scare of my life but i think i better not put it down or it'll become another topic for the class gossip session. it does seem that my path is one in which i am destined to walk alone on. i have more or less given up on finding love if it even exists in this world. the red roses have all turned to white. life has become dull and i have not much to look forward to. just living each day as it comes does have its advantages, i get to reflect on pass mistakes and at the same time am ready to take what the remainder of my life has to throw at me.. i wonder how much time i have left, i don't wish to keep on living such a meaningless life. i sometimes wonder why i even bothered, why didn't i just pack up and leave when the cards were revealed? why am i so persistent? why the hell do i even have this never-say-die attitude in the first place?

it does seem that those suicidal tendencies have returned.. yet i push on living to the next day. i am reminded of a quote: "Even if the morrow is barren of promises, Nothing shall forestall my return" is it the never-say-die part of me again? to speak the truth, i have no idea who i am anymore. was i always this unhappy? i rarely smile nowadays and have forgotten how to smile whenever i want to, as in the only times i smile now are spontaneous ones.. not those which show that you're happy. it is rather pitiful to have lost the ability to smile naturally. but there also isn't much to smile about, in this world filled with hatred and sorrow. anger and sadness are natural human emotions, yet why do we inflict these emotions on others?

the many parts of me are fighting for control and my soul can't take it much longer. on one hand there is the logic driven side which represents hate but the other side is my heart which represents my emotional side. i am no longer in control of either and now that my heart has thoroughly been injured by something which jiayi told me, it does seem that i would become the former. then again, how could one be human without a heart? is a person without a heart no more than a monster? or is that person the purest being devoid of emotions which would cloud his judgement?

nevertheless, my hope remains within my heart, trapped till the day it would be able to see the light once again..
till then, my future seems bleak.
i'll never learn to love again,
a person devoid of love has no place in this world..

goodbye cruel world..

2008-04-20T17:46:00.002+08:00

phew, so tired.. just got back after going to taka to use up my $10 kino voucher.. could have been hers but since she returned it to me, i gladly used it. speaking of which, yesterday was her birthday, so i gave all the stuff i wanted to on friday morning. broke a promise not to do so in the process. put it on her table and apologised to her when i saw her at assembly. let me list down what i was going to give her.. birthday card (accepted), poem/letter (accepted), maple leaf "someone has faith in you" (accepted), olympics souvenir cup (rejected) and the voucher which of course was rejected. recieved a message on that day itself stating that she returned the gifts. this was within my predictions of course, that's why i was rather worried that she might get angry if i broke my promise, which i did. what i did not predict was that she did not get angry and start to dao me.. she even visited me at the co-op before rushing off to scout the location for the drama competition.

i guess i should go look for her tmr if i see her. i'm getting better at writing poems. I have about 12 poems so far. not all dedicated to her of course.. so stop bugging me about my poems and my blog *cough david,johan,chris cough*. i may want to move on to using chinese to compose poems but i don't think that they'll be as good as the old masters.

now thinking if i should drink coffee or tea.. which reminds me, after drinking coffee at kino today, bought some sushi and proceeded home, took 190 and stood at one of the standing areas. as the bus stopped at the metropolitan ymca, a group of korean kids about slightly younger than me boarded the bus and in this group there were two chio bu(s), they stood near me and i could see that the chio-er one was giving me that look.. a bit weird,but what can i say.. they were squeezing me into a corner and it was rather uncomfortable for me since i need my personal space.. overall one of the more bizarre bus trips i've been on.

coffee or tea?
to be or not to be?
those are the qns..

2008-04-16T20:46:00.002+08:00

midway through the week and spa is tmr.. have to study for it.. under quite a lot of stress lately.. both in cca and in studies on the cca front we have to rush the workshop as fast as possible so that we can go present at the competition.. dunno if i have to go for it though.. o well, doesn't matter to me anyway.

stayed back for meeting today and did not have a chance to go see her performance at the first round of the chinese singing competition. she told me she sang "wo ai de ren". not reading too much into it, i think that she would have pulled it off.. her voice is rather adaptable. i still prefer to sing and listen to other songs, the song which i am currently addicted to is "dang ni" by cyndi. it was released quite a while back and i had given away the cd so being able to get it from another friend was a good way of getting the track . thanks xiang fei for the info..

can't wait for tmr when i take part in the 8x200m (mixed) for the sports carnival. we'll be having the heats at sji and just thinking about it is giving me some butterflies in my stomach.. i have never ran fast on the sji track and the fact that i have not even touched my iron tablets means that my stamina is pretty weak right now.. i hope i don't screw up and faint or drop the baton or something which would get my team disqualified. i pray that the weather will be nice tmr. i don't like running on wet tracks.

run like the wind,
the never ending poem.

2008-04-11T21:48:00.002+08:00

zzz, finally this week is over.. econs week was quite a fun week for some and i decided to take part in the stock market game.. was first position for 2 days in a row before dropping to fourth place today.. was seriously dissappointed with this unexpected result.. not going to shake brother's hand on monday, would let david shake instead.. can't be bothered with it. today has been a rather lousy day for me since it started out lousy with the stock market results.. later found out that i got a B for project work.. which only made my mood worse..

had to stay back to organise a meeting for the workshop and came to a consensus that we should hold the workshop in cj instead to save cost and time which we can put into the development of our original boardgame, CHOICE. the boardgame is currently still in development but i have high hopes that it will be able to sell in the market in future and would help us to make a higher level of profits..

rather tired since i donated blood today. the whole audi ext was so full of pple that it took almost if not over an hour to process people. the blood donation proceeded smoothly enough for me but i heard that a lot of people, mainly gals, were rejected because of thin veins and other reasons. once again i state my blood type is AB and can only be donated to people who are of the same blood type as me.. hence i would appeal to all with O blood type to donate since their blood can be donated to anyone, which makes it very valuable.

other than that, today was another uneventful day.. stayed back yesterday for econ's symposium.. was quite fun for the time i was there if not for me falling asleep in the canteen until i woke up and saw my teacher's missed call.. at 5pm.. lol

o well,

the cresent moon in the sky
is smiling down on me

2008-04-05T21:32:00.006+08:00

well, after hearing that pple actually read my blog then.. um it seems that it wasn't as dead as i thought it was, so i'm going to try and update more often, to give u all stuff to gossip about..

"visited" my grandfather today at mandai, and made an honest and straightforward account for my lousy A level chinese grades.. apologised to him before shifting to the side for the others to pay their respects.. even though i only knew him for about 6 years, his face is still unmistakable on the marble covering his remains.. as i saw my grandmother pay her respects, i couldn't help but let some of my tears start to pile since it is never easy to lose someone you love and carry on living for the time that she has.. it has been 12 years.. i can't remember how the wake was like.. only vague details, after that all i knew was that my grandmother started to bring me to and from kindergarten, something which my grandfather always did. did not understand it fully back then but all i could remember about the night we got the message was that it was rather late and i was watching tv with my grandfather and aunt before we got a phone call from a relative in malaysia where my grandfather was visiting.. after that i remembered seeing my father returning from china with my mom and brother in a taxi. The whole family got together for once other than just for chinese new year..

so many years ago, yet the memory remains rather fresh.. its a part of my past i can't forget and i hope not to. someday i'll bring my kids there and show them who their great-grandfather is, a man who lived through turbulent times in human history and survived, a teacher, a great chinese chess player and most of all, a grandfather who always took care of his grandchildren.

i don't think that he would have wanted to live in this age in a world which is spiralling to its own destruction through war and conflict.. i remember him as wise though, and am certain that if he was still alive, he would have known what needed to be done in the world. I too have been searching for an answer and seem to have found it.. everybody fights for something or someone, or rather to protect that someone or something, be it money, reputation, power or anything else, those who do not are just dying for nothing, deaths would not end a conflict but it seems that some countries don't understand this and the world moves closer to its own destruction.

i don't think he would have wanted me to get a B for A level chinese, he would have most likely killed me.. that's why i have been feeling rather bad all this while.. thank goodness for friends who stood by me..

my parents came back for qing ming since it is a holiday there. so i'm quite happy to be able to spend this weekend with them.. had a super filling lunch and did not eat dinner.. seriously full.. will try to see if we can go to suntec tommorrow so that i can go get kane's wrath and play on the wcg computer.. can't wait.. my father suggested eating japanese tommorrow so i think he' going exactly where i want to..

jap food is healthy for you..

jap girls are even prettier ;)

*smiles cheekily*

2008-03-29T23:43:00.002+08:00

well i'm finally 18 years and 5 days old.. my birthday went by without event just as i had hoped it would.. i now know what it feels like to have a quiet birthday.. for the first time there was no cake, no lavish lunch/dinner and definitely no presents.. not that i like presents that much but it wouldn' t hurt to recieve a few right? not the standard ang paos and stuff.. seriously i feel that no one really understands me or knows what i'm thinking inside. it's rather sad to be an introvert isn't it?

as for my friendship with her, well things are starting to look up a bit but she's getting busier with each coming day and i really hope that she doesn't fall ill.. she would continue studying even though she may be ill and it really worries me when she continues to study despite her condition.. she got the top in the level and i am quite happy for her as a friend.. learnt about that while chatting with my friends during the break i had at ptm today.. spent the entire day washing cars and washed 30 cars altogether.. managed to catch a glimpse of her even though the words from my mouth only consisted of a simple "hello" and "byebye", perhaps something inside me was stopping me or maybe it was the fact that her father was there that stopped me from saying more.. after all, which father would want a boy whom he does not know start chatting up his daughter right in front of him? besides, there was work to be done.. i just hope that her father would be forgiving and understanding towards her for her gp grades.. i hope her father is different from other parents i have seen.. i just don't know why parents scold their children so often as i have seen today?

as she continues to mug and work hard for her subjects, one can only admire the work ethic in that girl.. its rather sad to see such a young person feel normal about being a workaholic.. then again i'm not that old.. what do i know about this world? my student-teacher meeting was quite ok i guess and had a chat with my home tutor and maths tutor.. looks like i got two options right now.. either start working on my maths corrections for my cts or borrow the answers from people who have done it correctly.. although i would most likely choose the former out of integrity.. econs is a first failing subject for me and maths is rather weak at this current stage.. hopefully these two subjects would improve with time.. as would her gp grades..

i'm beginning to think a lot about her lately maybe it was around his time last year that i felt rather sad over many things.. the annual singing competition is coming up again.. the same time i lost control of my emotions and wept for the first time over someone i did not even know, at least not that well.. i pray that her voice would be able to pull her through to the end and that she would get the best of results. i still blame myself over what happened last year due to my presence in the audience.. i can never forgive myself for such an error.. how could i let my feelings get in the way of her progress? that's the reason why i do not want a relationship with her for the time being.. her studies,overall well-being and happinness comes first.. anything else is secondary.. even my personal feelings..

its rather sad, that i lost the present you gave me..
please forgive me..

2008-03-23T18:09:00.002+08:00

well, its the eve of my birthday and who knew i could live this long? i was so sure that i would have killed myself or paid someone to do it for me last year.. anyway, looks like i've got nothing much to look forward to this year.. my outing with my friends just got cancelled since my parents have just told me last night that i wasn't allowed to go out drinking.. dang.. was so looking forward to it.. after all, what else is sweeter than getting my first sip of legal alcohol? some people may say marriage but lets not go there.. can't wait to see what happens tommorrow.. hopefully no one comes to give me a "special" surprise.. and david still owes me a drink after i saved his physics from a B which was a miscount on the part of the marker..

for my reward for my A level results, i followed my interest in building model kits and bought the latest one out of the gundam 00 series.. GN Arms type E and Gundam Exia (Trans-Am mode).. who knew that the whole thing was so big? took quite a long time to build and at the same time also blew a large chunk out of my wallet. Went out with my cousins yesterday and ate at paragon before bringing one of them to bukit timah to play pool and lan.. owned him at 9 ball but got screwed for 8 ball.. each person has his own specialty right? played lan later.. started by playing c&c3.. wasn't much of a challenge before we moved on to cs where i became top fragger in less than 5 rounds.. changed to bf2 fighting against bots.. was fun since i was able to play in the same style as i do when playing bf2142 (minus the active camouflage).. both of us owned a couple of noobs before they quit.. finally left the place at around 4 plus..

admiring the fruits of my labour right now.. model kits are fun to build.. the problem's finding a place to put them when you're done building..

2008-03-21T08:44:00.002+08:00

wow,haven't posted for one week.. o well.. taking a break from econs homework to type this.. just got back my results for common tests and i have to say that they are satisfactory.. no point putting them up here since they are not worth it.. an also due to the fact that there are people who did worse than me, it is also my way of showing respect to them.. anyway, its nothing that i'm proud of.. the common tests were over more than a week ago so had more han enough time to forecast the results that i would be getting. so stress.. just got my letter to go make an appointment for medical screening for enlistment and i gotta contact kkh for a report on my slipped disc i got diagnosed with 4 years ago..

and i finally turn 18 next week.. so nice.. would like to take the day off from school but i can't coz it'll ruin my attendence record and also looking for mc is not very easy. i would like to see who remembers my birthday and what i would be getting from my friends.. no birthday song pls..(at least not during lessons) and also not looking forward to going into my junior class on that day for fear of getting gbed.

recovered from the slight concussion but now have a seriously bad cough and my left eye is rather red.. maybe its just an aftereffect since my eye feels normal.. i usually fall sick around this time each year and i have no idea why it happens..zzz.. went for Lenten Vigil for the first time and found it a rather enriching experience and gained new insights into religion

looking forward to my birthday.. going downtown today to go see if RapidCulture at cine has imported the GN Arms from japan.. i would like to get my hands on one to build.. or at least an MG gundam model kit for me to build.. have limited myself to building MG or larger/more complicated HG model kits..

2008-03-14T10:21:00.003+08:00

well, went to sentosa with my junior class and a few of my friends.. played volleyball before getting hit in the face by a soccer ball.. now feeling the effects of what may possibly be a mild concussion.. slow reaction time and a seriously throbbing headache.. went to eat at carl's junior at vivocity as it was raining and we decided to quit sentosa coz most of us were very wet and later decided to go to paradiz to play pool with them.. it was fun but my throbbing headache was not making it much fun as pool required a certain amount of concentration to play properly, which i was able to do.. the moment they wanted to play dota, i left since i was not feeling very good and took a bus home. Fell asleep on the bus and awoke still with the headache.. reached home and took a hot shower and a couple of panadols before resting.. awoke at 8 to have my dinner before going to sleep in my mom's room since i didn't want to sleep in an air-con room with a blocked nose and a sore throat. woke up later at 230 with the same headache an took my temperature which was 38.6 degress celsius.. must have killed some brain cells and dropped a few IQ points last night. woke up this morning and decided to go see a doctor to get some medicine for my sorethroat and to ask about my head injury.. well he said that i could have a mild concussion or some of my brain tissue could have torn because of the impact.. in other words, i may have some head problems and may have to be sent to hospital for a ct scan to determine the problem if any.. hopefully this thing is not so serious and that i need not be hospitalised.. still feeling the effects though.. slow reaction time and also in a daze and losing concentration at times..

hopefully..

2008-03-08T19:34:00.002+08:00

finally the common tests are over.. i thought it would never end.. anyway, now that it's over, i am looking forward to my birthday which is in a couple of weeks time and another friend(s) birthday are also around the corner close to mine.. i never dreamed that i could have survived it but here i am and after getting my A level results for chinese, i think i may have just lost my will to game and go out and stuff.. its not that i didn't pass but i seriously was expecting more than what i got.. yes i know that there are people who deserved to pass but did not do so and many would say that i shouldbe thankful for what i got.. but a B for my last chinese paper in my lifetime is not what i'm going to tell my grandfather when i die.. and the grade for my family's chinese is most likely to go down when my brother takes his O levels next year..

and i can't guarantee the results of my common tests either.. i hope that i can pass but i am not too optimistic with my performance.. perhaps i wasn't suited to staying in cjc after all.. why the hell did i choose to stay back because of her? now i really regret my actions.. even though we're on talking terms now, it still seems that.. better not elaborate.. it'll only make me feel worse.. i guess that at least its a start..
i swear.. we're even worse than most couples given the amount of times we have broken and made up our friendship.. i can't imagine what would happen if i were to actually get into a relationship with her..

enough about her.. went out with my friends after the release of results yesterday and also met up with some of my seniors along the way.. travelled downtown where we played games at the mind cafe at prinsep street before going to plaza singapura for kfc and by the time i finally reached home, it was already 10.. and i finally went to sleep at 12 midnight.. woke up at 7 this morning before going to tanjong pagar for a full day workshop where we laughed a lot.. and "a lot" is a serious understatement.. just got home not too long ago before i found out that my aunt just invited herself over to my house.. seriously, some people have no eq whatsoever..

i wish that i would be able to celebrate my birthday with someone special this year but it seems that it may be a rather daunting task.. but i shall not give up and in the worst case scenario, i'll just have to go out with my "brothers" johan or david, although it won't be as "romantic" or something.. o well, 18th birthdays are supposed to be special right?

the best birthday present,
would be the day spent with You..

The fugitive

2008-03-02T11:33:00.004+08:00

well it seems that singapore isn't all that safe and secure nowadays ever since the ji leader imprisoned in singapore escaped from the whitley detention centre near my school.. Just to be on the safe side, i'm not taking any chances when i'm in school and now keep a lookout for a limping man when on the bus to and from school.. surprising that he was able to run away from a heavily guarded facility even with a limp.. either he must be damn good or the guards were not doing their jobs.. Either way, whoever who was on duty that day is in for some serious stuff.. letting one of singapore's most dangerous terrorists escape from detention just like that.. Anyway, i predict that the guy would most likely be hiding at macritchie reservoir or some place nearby like in a drain or something.. i predict that if he were hiding in a forest, it would take 7 days to catch him and if he were hiding in a drain, 9 days.. i doubt that the police would be able to find him before then.

Common tests coming up and it is hard not to feel somewhat stressed considering the fact that i ave only spent about 1 hour to study my chem and maybe about another 1 hour to study physics.. i think i'll be concentrating on maths this time especially since i almost got owned for maths in the promos.. gp is not a problem for me since i love writing and expressing myself.. sry secondary school arts student syndrome.. i also pray that all my friends would be able to do well for the common tests and especially a certain someone to be able to get grades which one's parents would be proud of.. that i pray with all my heart..

my birthday's coming up soon and i wonder if it would be a good time to celebrate with my friends or should i just go out by myself? o well, let's wait until after the common tests to decide shall we?

Common Tests deemed to be a source of conflict..
ArchAngel, eliminating targets..

picture is not mine.. but i play bf2142 as recon

2008-02-24T12:55:00.002+08:00

let's see.. went to the singapore airshow yesterday.. it was a blast and i had quite a fun time there even though i was under the sun for most of the day and was not able to get a seat. The aerial acrobatic displays were quite nice to look at but the best part of the show in my opinion is still the part where the A380 flew past the site. It was amazing to see the world's largest commercial plane in the air. When the plane returned back to the grounds of the airshow, i was astonished by the size of the thing. And especially so that the A380 was considerably much quiter as compared to other planes which i have taken.. I was standing right behind the tail and i'm not deaf, which is a good thing. I can't wait to sit it in future.

after the airshow, the guys and i went back to cj to watch the finale nite celebrations. This year's batch of jc1s are rather good mass dancers. very synchronised. On a whole, it was the usual cheering and dancing and the high mood. Left early as we didn't want to overstay our welcome since we were not exactly invited in the first place..

other than that, i'm not in much of a mood to talk right now.. did not have a good sleep over the past few days.. my neck hurts for some reason.. hope it's nothing serious..

2008-01-22T20:21:00.000+08:00

zzz, well, i'm coming down with a flu, a bit too late considering that my mass pe is almost over, with the last session on thursday. I'm glad it's over. Freedom!!

well the tests are starting to come and i've got some major cca projects coming up too.. shan't mention them until i get the green light to proceed from my principal. i would really like this to work out since it would be doing a service to all the people from the different jcs and also earn money for the cca at the same time in addition to the people who really need it.

valentine's day.. wouldn't it be a good day to say goodbye.. forever?

2008-01-13T17:32:00.000+08:00

WOW.. how long has it been since i last blogged?almost a month has passed.. i guess its because i don't feel like blogging partly due to the fact that i'm busy ever since school reopened.. There are many things i wish to blog about..

let's start with school.. well its great to be able to see my friends and teachers again.. and the class IR is up and running as usual.. i think we had a massive haul of cards this year.. i think that we have at least 15 decks in class and i got 4 of them yay.. too bad i'm not opening two of them until somewhere in the middle of the year.. its fun to play dai dee and bridge with them.. especially with hubert the cheater..

well i knew it was impossible to avoid her forever and yes we ended up meeting each other again.. till today, i have met her thrice.. once was because the co-op had owed her money and i went to return it to her. the next was when she accompanied her friend to the co-op to enquire about the lit texts and buy some stuff.. that was the one which really left an impression.. throughout the buying i just ignored her and focused on her friend instead.. but when they were about to leave, she said, "hey" and waved at me.. it was up to her whether she would acknowledge my existence even though i was completely daoing her, and she waved, which did also out of courtesy. But why did she do it? Didn't i say that we weren't friends anymore?

Somehow i am still confused.. was it possible that while i hated her for breaking my heart, somewhere deep inside i still loved her? if so than is it possible that i have fallen for someone else and while i still have feelings for her?

i wish to solve this by myself..
no matter how long it's gonna take..
walking down the path of despair,
am i near the end?

I pray..

2007-12-16T17:27:00.000+08:00

well its been quite a while since i last blogged. and many things have happened since then. number 1: i am no longer even friends with her so i would appreciate it if people stopped teasing either one of us. I somewhat regret that it has come to this but after pouring all my emotions into a poem, i felt better after the first few days.

on the 20th, i'll be taking a trip to taiwan, wish me a safe journey, and i'll be back on the 28th. i hope that i'll enjoy myself as i'll have about 4 days left till school reopens to rest and prepare myself because it is inevitable that we'll bump into each other in school. so this time is meant that i can get over her and so not cry when i eventually see her.

so i ended up hurt the most, just as she said.

i have to be strong
so i can overcome this...

2007-11-22T09:15:00.000+08:00

after reading today's newspaper, i wanted to blog about this. The ongoing case of sovereignty between Malaysia and Singapore over the island Pedra Branca. I have to admit that from what i have read about the case, both sides put up a relatively good argument. However, as recent information has surfaced putting to doubt the credibility of the evidence produced by the Malaysian team, it is more or less safe to say that Singapore would most likely win this case.

Number one, one should not use blogs made by unknown authors as evidence in court cases, especially not in the International Court of Justice. In addition, one should always double-check information lifted from sources and do a background check on these sources so that they are credible. This clearly shows that the Malaysian team was not thoroughly prepared for the case and also shows the amount of commitment they have towards this case. Since they are not willing to commit to the case, why should they gain sovereignty over the island?

another thing which just surfaced recently inyesterday's newspaper, singapore fishing trawlers were detained in International waters. Why? They were no where near the territorial waters of Malaysia and yet they were detained by the Malaysian Navy.. Maybe its because some people in the navy can't count..maybe.. its not as though they were dumping toxic waste into your precious waters so as to harm the "marine ecosystem" or lack of.. those boats are just fishing trawlers.. why did they have to be detained?

kiss Pedra Branca goodbye Malaysia..

2007-11-14T21:13:00.000+08:00

let's see.. went sentosa last week.. yeah fun.. but then i went into the water and lost the necklace.. went emo for a couple of days afterwards and was saved by her again.. sent her an original poem and she thought that i copied it off some song lyrics.. isit supposed to be a compliment? i guess so.. so here's the poem.. any resemblance to actual persons/events is entirely coincidental...

The Sky and I

How i wish i could fly,
to be able to touch the sky.
To look down upon the earth from the clouds;
what a wonderful sight.

But this dream was not meant to be;
for as soon as i was near enough,
storms threw me back down.

Each time i was injured,
but i just got up and tried again.
And each time i fell back to earth in pain.

So I tried a different tactic;
becoming friends with the sky.
I soon found myself flying with her,
though somewhat awkwardly.

But the sky knew my plans all along;
and i was cast back down.
Now i have resigned myself to this fate,
my love for the sky will not change.

So here i am, on the ground,
looking at the sky in her majestic beauty.
Leaving me apologetic for my treachery,
yet thankful that i got a chance to know her.

2007-11-07T16:22:00.000+08:00

finally its the holidays.. sry for not updating.. did not feel like it over the past few days.. ok first of all i would like to say how i feel.. its as though i'm not going anywhere in terms of progress.. perhaps its due to my almost never say die attitude that i can't tell if the other party is totally rejecting me.. sigh.. anyway, since i do not see any signs of total rejection, i'll assume that everything is normal and there's nothing to worry about..

anyway, here's a music video of my current favourite song of the week.. Ju Hua Tai by Jay Chou
the chorus is steeped with meaning for those who can read between the lines...

菊花殘　滿地傷　妳的笑容已泛黃
花落人斷腸　我心事靜靜躺
北風亂　夜未央　妳的影子剪不斷
徒留我孤單　在湖面　成雙