about 7 months left.. can't believe it's been so long since i last posted. so many things have happened since then. though i can't really remember, i feel like a lot of things have happened.. it's quite a weird feeling knowing that you were supposed to have gone through so much but not having the most vague of memories about what happened. i am listening to music from youtube since my laptop has died on me after the years of frustration that it had given me. and i just reformated it not too long ago too. oh well, i guess some things can't be helped.

even though i've been in the army for so long, some things refuse to change. i'm not that much stronger emotionally. even though i continue to cover up my feelings , i find myself running from the truth. is it normal that one should continue hoping to find a companion, someone whom one can relate to and share one's deepest emotions with, while it seems that the whole world has already found theirs? i think back to the words of my friends who shared this piece of advice.. "there is definitely someone meant for you, just that you have no met them yet" and "there are people out there whom i have no met who would be able to like my type". the second one seems like an insult the more i think about it. just when i thought i had found someone, nothing really materialised out of it. i guess the differences were just too great. so at the end of it, i'm by myself once again. the friends i had once spent days upon days with now have their own lives to carry on with. we barely even meet up nowadays, and even when we do, it's only for lunch or something of the like since everyone has their own schedules. it feels like everyone is moving forward and leaving me behind. i don't think there are many or in fact anyone for that matter who understand my feelings right now.

i just want to get the 7 months over and done with so that i can begin my life anew. till then i need to find reason to do so. i just found myself volunteering to spend about 2 months in australia. the motive behind me doing so is quite confusing and yet perhaps, simple in itself. i have no attachments to keep me staying in singapore, no family, friends, colleagues, or any lover at this point of time with whom i share a strong bond(s) with which would compel me to stay here. if anything, i'd like very much to run away from everything, my life, all of it. drowning myself in music definitely helps to do so. if i had been born or brought up under different circumstances, would i be the same person that i am today or would i have been a happier person? i don't mind giving up all that i have today, most of which has lost its value to me, in exchange for a chance to start anew. but i know that isn't going to happen.. the tears i shed are never going to return to me.. this feeling of sadness and lonliness is going to drive me insane sooner or later. actaully i don't even know why i'm posting such an emo post in the first place? is it because i'm crying out for attention due to my feeling of the lack of it given to me? does that make me a very selfish person who only thinks of myself rather than the feelings of others? i feel so despicable now that i think about it. maybe that's what i am in the first place.. just another unassuming piece of trash, not worth a mention..

i couldn't do anything,
i still can't do anything.
therefore..
there's nothing to justify my existance.

i want to keep running away,
but i grow tired.

if i keep lying to myself,
does it make me a bad person?

look into my eyes and tell me i'm not
please

one year on... lessons learnt

time sure passes fast, it's been one year since i enlisted and there's only one year left. am i supposed to be happy? logically speaking i guess so. but to speak the truth, i have no idea of what lies beyond the remaining one year that i have. that has me somewhat worried and scared at the same time. went over to a friend's place for karaoke last night and left there this morning. the bus ride home gave me a moment of quiet and respite from the stressful job that i've become so accustomed to doing for the past one year. other than hanging out with my camp mates, i hardly go out with my friends from either secondary school or from jc, with the exception being earlier this month when i went out with a secondary school friend before he enlisted and on the weekend of his first bookout. other than that, my parents are going to be back in singapore for the chinese new year so i get to enjoy drinking coffee and eating other sweet pastries and stuff to keep myself somewhat happy.

i guess i've learnt quite a few lessons in this one year in the armed forces. i guess one can never trust another person too much since you won't know when the person will drive a knife through your heart, especially when the person may look like a very nice person on the surface. if you don't trust anyone too much then you won't be at risk of being betrayed and won't be shocked when it finally happens. i've also learnt that love doesn't exist in real life. as such i shouldn't be feeling the way i do towards the whole lot of them should i? forgive but not forget is my way in which i live my life i guess. i will never allow myself to be made a fool by others anymore. the idiotic things which i have done are going to be part of the past as i set my plans into motion for preparation towards uni. i'm going to completely change myself, from the way i behave and interact with others and even the way i look, both of which i hate of myself. as such i am willing to remove the scars of my past both literally and figuratively. beginning with how i'm going to totally detach myself from the people i used to think i cannot live without. my former class.

then again, class is but a group of individuals placed in the same place to study but not much else for after the class leaves the school, they are what they are, a group of individuals not bound by anything other than the fact that they studied in the same place for a couple of years. i don't feel any attachement to the class anymore ever since we graduated and therefore when they say "class gathering" nowadays, i am very skeptical as to the meaning of the term, for it never means everyone in the class, but rather a very small group of people from the class. in any case, i have decided to distance myself from the so called class other than the exception of a select few who have been my closest friends.

the music has since stopped,

the players have since left the stage.

now's the time for a new character to step in..

Seeking Professional Help

well, let's see what has happened after my last post. i got modern warfare 2 and i have to say that it is a very nice game, i expect to continue knifing my way to glory and should be prestiging sometime soon. went out quite a number of times shopping for books, playing pool/lan with friends. and so that is when one of them asked if i had been updating my blog, which i haven't since i've not been having much free time to spare. oh well, here goes nothing..


just the other day i accompanied 2 of my friends to shop along orchard rd, and hey tried out quite a number of things from zara, G2000 just to name a few. i just stood there to watch them so much so that i was eventually asked to try a few on for myself and if there was anything that i was looking for, to which i replied that i don't have anything which i need or want at the moment.


in truth, i guess that's a lie. i just don't like the person i see in the mirror. i feel that he's an ugly and horrible person that i see and i hate it. i hate myself and the person that i am. i can't take it anymore, waking up everyday to see that face in the mirror and knowing that it's yours. and everyday that i'm home is even more stressful as there rarely seems to be a moment of respite from all the shouting and scolding that my maid gets for being just plain lousy at her work. if that wasn't enough, i got scolded by a neighbour from a lower floor on CHRISTMAS for my maid hanging laundry which was still wet on the railings. like what the hell? of all days it had to be Christmas, just goes to show how screwed up my life is. it only makes me want to hate it more.


at the end of the day, how many people understand me? i know that effective people should seek first to understand than to be understood but can't they see that the smile and cheerful appearance that i put on is all just a facade? every smile and every laugh is just another vain attempt to cover up my real feelings. to tell the truth i really don't know what to do with myself. am i still tied down to the past which i don't want to relive? after all that has happened, it only makes me realise what a lousy person i am, how naive i was to think that such a thing as love exists and how stupid i was to follow on those feelings that i had, knowing full well that a person such as myself could never be loved right? in any case, i don't think i'll trust another person who comes into my life, no matter who it may be.


at the end of the day, i'm alone.
no matter where i am, i'm alone.
with no one to listen to me, understand me,
no one to talk to, no one i can trust.
no one i can confide my feelings in,
or run to when i get hurt,
and no one i can depend on.

coz no one understands...

i guess that's what one would call life right?

countdown, 16 days till modern warfare 2 and 23 days till left 4 dead 2 hits the store shelves. other than that there's not much to blog about today i guess. maybe except for something which i remembered while i was on the bus today.

for the first time in a couple of weeks i actually left home to go downtown for some "shopping". which included me walking aimlessly along orchard road buying some things. these included a magazine, 20 takoyaki (for my brother.. no way i can finish that many) and a macha from ion before going for a haircut at the 10 minute hair salon near my place. i wanted to buy some things from cold storage but ended up going home with nothing from there. one thing to note about the takoyaki from ion is that it is absolutely delicious!

anyway, as i was on my way home from orchard, i noticed that i was sub-consciously looking at my ring which i was wearing on my left ring finger. well, it's not much to look at since it's just plain metal with a cross on it. i had gotten the ring during my trip to macau last year together with a ring which had The Lord's Prayer embossed on it. (i bought the latter even though i couldn't wear it on my hand. while the former was a perfect fit for my finger.) as i was looking at it today, i was wondering to myself why i had bought the ring and more importantly, why was i wearing it at that point of time? were all these events pre-determined in some way? if so then wouldn't it mean that our destinies have already been written for us? this would explain the certain inevitabilities in my life. perhaps this is in order to fufill our purpose that we have on this planet? in any case, i'm sure that i don't need to know the answer to this complex.

humans have been at odds with respect to the question whether we are really in control of our own fates, for even if i make a choice out of a multitude of options, what's to say that it wasn't already pre-determined that i would make that choice? i'd like to think that God has a reason for this so that we'll all find our place in this world which he has sat aside for us. maybe i'm just not mature enough to understand it yet.