its been two weeks since i last blogged.. seems like an eternity in blog standard.. anyway, i'm coping pretty well and still continuing on my path to somewhere.. at least i think its leading somewhere. Just had the scare of my life but i think i better not put it down or it'll become another topic for the class gossip session. it does seem that my path is one in which i am destined to walk alone on. i have more or less given up on finding love if it even exists in this world. the red roses have all turned to white. life has become dull and i have not much to look forward to. just living each day as it comes does have its advantages, i get to reflect on pass mistakes and at the same time am ready to take what the remainder of my life has to throw at me.. i wonder how much time i have left, i don't wish to keep on living such a meaningless life. i sometimes wonder why i even bothered, why didn't i just pack up and leave when the cards were revealed? why am i so persistent? why the hell do i even have this never-say-die attitude in the first place?

it does seem that those suicidal tendencies have returned.. yet i push on living to the next day. i am reminded of a quote: "Even if the morrow is barren of promises, Nothing shall forestall my return" is it the never-say-die part of me again? to speak the truth, i have no idea who i am anymore. was i always this unhappy? i rarely smile nowadays and have forgotten how to smile whenever i want to, as in the only times i smile now are spontaneous ones.. not those which show that you're happy. it is rather pitiful to have lost the ability to smile naturally. but there also isn't much to smile about, in this world filled with hatred and sorrow. anger and sadness are natural human emotions, yet why do we inflict these emotions on others?

the many parts of me are fighting for control and my soul can't take it much longer. on one hand there is the logic driven side which represents hate but the other side is my heart which represents my emotional side. i am no longer in control of either and now that my heart has thoroughly been injured by something which jiayi told me, it does seem that i would become the former. then again, how could one be human without a heart? is a person without a heart no more than a monster? or is that person the purest being devoid of emotions which would cloud his judgement?

nevertheless, my hope remains within my heart, trapped till the day it would be able to see the light once again..
till then, my future seems bleak.
i'll never learn to love again,
a person devoid of love has no place in this world..

goodbye cruel world..