one year on... lessons learnt

time sure passes fast, it's been one year since i enlisted and there's only one year left. am i supposed to be happy? logically speaking i guess so. but to speak the truth, i have no idea of what lies beyond the remaining one year that i have. that has me somewhat worried and scared at the same time. went over to a friend's place for karaoke last night and left there this morning. the bus ride home gave me a moment of quiet and respite from the stressful job that i've become so accustomed to doing for the past one year. other than hanging out with my camp mates, i hardly go out with my friends from either secondary school or from jc, with the exception being earlier this month when i went out with a secondary school friend before he enlisted and on the weekend of his first bookout. other than that, my parents are going to be back in singapore for the chinese new year so i get to enjoy drinking coffee and eating other sweet pastries and stuff to keep myself somewhat happy.

i guess i've learnt quite a few lessons in this one year in the armed forces. i guess one can never trust another person too much since you won't know when the person will drive a knife through your heart, especially when the person may look like a very nice person on the surface. if you don't trust anyone too much then you won't be at risk of being betrayed and won't be shocked when it finally happens. i've also learnt that love doesn't exist in real life. as such i shouldn't be feeling the way i do towards the whole lot of them should i? forgive but not forget is my way in which i live my life i guess. i will never allow myself to be made a fool by others anymore. the idiotic things which i have done are going to be part of the past as i set my plans into motion for preparation towards uni. i'm going to completely change myself, from the way i behave and interact with others and even the way i look, both of which i hate of myself. as such i am willing to remove the scars of my past both literally and figuratively. beginning with how i'm going to totally detach myself from the people i used to think i cannot live without. my former class.

then again, class is but a group of individuals placed in the same place to study but not much else for after the class leaves the school, they are what they are, a group of individuals not bound by anything other than the fact that they studied in the same place for a couple of years. i don't feel any attachement to the class anymore ever since we graduated and therefore when they say "class gathering" nowadays, i am very skeptical as to the meaning of the term, for it never means everyone in the class, but rather a very small group of people from the class. in any case, i have decided to distance myself from the so called class other than the exception of a select few who have been my closest friends.

the music has since stopped,

the players have since left the stage.

now's the time for a new character to step in..

Seeking Professional Help

well, let's see what has happened after my last post. i got modern warfare 2 and i have to say that it is a very nice game, i expect to continue knifing my way to glory and should be prestiging sometime soon. went out quite a number of times shopping for books, playing pool/lan with friends. and so that is when one of them asked if i had been updating my blog, which i haven't since i've not been having much free time to spare. oh well, here goes nothing..


just the other day i accompanied 2 of my friends to shop along orchard rd, and hey tried out quite a number of things from zara, G2000 just to name a few. i just stood there to watch them so much so that i was eventually asked to try a few on for myself and if there was anything that i was looking for, to which i replied that i don't have anything which i need or want at the moment.


in truth, i guess that's a lie. i just don't like the person i see in the mirror. i feel that he's an ugly and horrible person that i see and i hate it. i hate myself and the person that i am. i can't take it anymore, waking up everyday to see that face in the mirror and knowing that it's yours. and everyday that i'm home is even more stressful as there rarely seems to be a moment of respite from all the shouting and scolding that my maid gets for being just plain lousy at her work. if that wasn't enough, i got scolded by a neighbour from a lower floor on CHRISTMAS for my maid hanging laundry which was still wet on the railings. like what the hell? of all days it had to be Christmas, just goes to show how screwed up my life is. it only makes me want to hate it more.


at the end of the day, how many people understand me? i know that effective people should seek first to understand than to be understood but can't they see that the smile and cheerful appearance that i put on is all just a facade? every smile and every laugh is just another vain attempt to cover up my real feelings. to tell the truth i really don't know what to do with myself. am i still tied down to the past which i don't want to relive? after all that has happened, it only makes me realise what a lousy person i am, how naive i was to think that such a thing as love exists and how stupid i was to follow on those feelings that i had, knowing full well that a person such as myself could never be loved right? in any case, i don't think i'll trust another person who comes into my life, no matter who it may be.


at the end of the day, i'm alone.
no matter where i am, i'm alone.
with no one to listen to me, understand me,
no one to talk to, no one i can trust.
no one i can confide my feelings in,
or run to when i get hurt,
and no one i can depend on.

coz no one understands...

i guess that's what one would call life right?

countdown, 16 days till modern warfare 2 and 23 days till left 4 dead 2 hits the store shelves. other than that there's not much to blog about today i guess. maybe except for something which i remembered while i was on the bus today.

for the first time in a couple of weeks i actually left home to go downtown for some "shopping". which included me walking aimlessly along orchard road buying some things. these included a magazine, 20 takoyaki (for my brother.. no way i can finish that many) and a macha from ion before going for a haircut at the 10 minute hair salon near my place. i wanted to buy some things from cold storage but ended up going home with nothing from there. one thing to note about the takoyaki from ion is that it is absolutely delicious!

anyway, as i was on my way home from orchard, i noticed that i was sub-consciously looking at my ring which i was wearing on my left ring finger. well, it's not much to look at since it's just plain metal with a cross on it. i had gotten the ring during my trip to macau last year together with a ring which had The Lord's Prayer embossed on it. (i bought the latter even though i couldn't wear it on my hand. while the former was a perfect fit for my finger.) as i was looking at it today, i was wondering to myself why i had bought the ring and more importantly, why was i wearing it at that point of time? were all these events pre-determined in some way? if so then wouldn't it mean that our destinies have already been written for us? this would explain the certain inevitabilities in my life. perhaps this is in order to fufill our purpose that we have on this planet? in any case, i'm sure that i don't need to know the answer to this complex.

humans have been at odds with respect to the question whether we are really in control of our own fates, for even if i make a choice out of a multitude of options, what's to say that it wasn't already pre-determined that i would make that choice? i'd like to think that God has a reason for this so that we'll all find our place in this world which he has sat aside for us. maybe i'm just not mature enough to understand it yet.

chocolate, chocolate, chocolate

wow, i can't believe how long it took for me to finish one small box of chocolates. given that it was expensive chocolate courtesy of the chocolate research facility, of course that meant that it had to be savoured slowly and not chomped on like M&Ms and kit-kats. of course that said, the best before date of what remained of this box said that it expires today, so obviously i had to finish it today (peach with dried apricot is sweet, i like). come to think of it, i still have some tea-infused chocolate in the fridge, which expired a couple of months back. given that it's in the fridge, i guess there shouldn't be any harm in eating it in the present time.. and of course, if i continue snacking on chocolates at the current rate, i think i'm going to gain weight, which is not good. gotta go work out more often like that. frankly speaking, who cares? CHOCOLATE IS SWEET!

it does make one feel better after taking chocolates. gets rid of depression and stress to a certain extent. super high right now. listening to music which makes me want to break out in dance spontaneously lol. gotta resist it. of course i have a cup of water by my side. can't afford to fall ill right now can i?

was talking to a friend a few nights ago. it's great to hear that he's doing well in the army, but we couldn't help but note a simple fact that has been occuring ever since we left the auditorium on the last day of the A levels. ever since that november day last year, the class, my second family, began to split into the various cliques which started it all. at first it didn't seem that way but i guess that deep inside each and every one of us we knew that it was an inevitability. even now, i still see them as family to me especially due to the absence of my parents during most of my time in jc and thereafter. so seeing a family, my family being torn apart was something i couldn't accept and prayed day and night not to happen. and yet it has, so one can imagine the pain and hurt in my heart seeing this sight.

on the other hand, ever since we left our separate ways, i can see that for most of them, life has indeed improved and i'm seeing their happy faces with increasing frequency using the various networks available at my disposal. i guess maybe it's due to this that i feel some sense of jealousy to see that their lives are improving whereas mine seems to be stagnant to the point that it has started to attract flies. one can say that maybe the reason why i feel this way is due to the fact that i'm still living in the past and can't forget all the things that have happened and if i were to just let go of the past, i would be able to see my life in a whole new light. to that i pose a question, is it wrong to hold on to a past where i was happy and i was able to face everyday with a smile? the past happens to be the place and time where my happiness is kept and as of now, i have yet to find a person or group of persons with whom i can have such happy moments much like that of my jc class.

while i do hold these happy moments in my memories, that's all that they are, just memories. these memories will never be re-enacted. one could say that they would eventually be lost forever, as such, i have nothing to smile about nowadays, as the skies become gloomier and gloomier. i guess it's true, when you're a nobody, nobody will give a damn about who you are, what you do and how you are feeling. you might as well be non-existent.

those days of old,

once lost, are never recovered.