about 7 months left.. can't believe it's been so long since i last posted. so many things have happened since then. though i can't really remember, i feel like a lot of things have happened.. it's quite a weird feeling knowing that you were supposed to have gone through so much but not having the most vague of memories about what happened. i am listening to music from youtube since my laptop has died on me after the years of frustration that it had given me. and i just reformated it not too long ago too. oh well, i guess some things can't be helped.

even though i've been in the army for so long, some things refuse to change. i'm not that much stronger emotionally. even though i continue to cover up my feelings , i find myself running from the truth. is it normal that one should continue hoping to find a companion, someone whom one can relate to and share one's deepest emotions with, while it seems that the whole world has already found theirs? i think back to the words of my friends who shared this piece of advice.. "there is definitely someone meant for you, just that you have no met them yet" and "there are people out there whom i have no met who would be able to like my type". the second one seems like an insult the more i think about it. just when i thought i had found someone, nothing really materialised out of it. i guess the differences were just too great. so at the end of it, i'm by myself once again. the friends i had once spent days upon days with now have their own lives to carry on with. we barely even meet up nowadays, and even when we do, it's only for lunch or something of the like since everyone has their own schedules. it feels like everyone is moving forward and leaving me behind. i don't think there are many or in fact anyone for that matter who understand my feelings right now.

i just want to get the 7 months over and done with so that i can begin my life anew. till then i need to find reason to do so. i just found myself volunteering to spend about 2 months in australia. the motive behind me doing so is quite confusing and yet perhaps, simple in itself. i have no attachments to keep me staying in singapore, no family, friends, colleagues, or any lover at this point of time with whom i share a strong bond(s) with which would compel me to stay here. if anything, i'd like very much to run away from everything, my life, all of it. drowning myself in music definitely helps to do so. if i had been born or brought up under different circumstances, would i be the same person that i am today or would i have been a happier person? i don't mind giving up all that i have today, most of which has lost its value to me, in exchange for a chance to start anew. but i know that isn't going to happen.. the tears i shed are never going to return to me.. this feeling of sadness and lonliness is going to drive me insane sooner or later. actaully i don't even know why i'm posting such an emo post in the first place? is it because i'm crying out for attention due to my feeling of the lack of it given to me? does that make me a very selfish person who only thinks of myself rather than the feelings of others? i feel so despicable now that i think about it. maybe that's what i am in the first place.. just another unassuming piece of trash, not worth a mention..

i couldn't do anything,
i still can't do anything.
therefore..
there's nothing to justify my existance.

i want to keep running away,
but i grow tired.

if i keep lying to myself,
does it make me a bad person?

look into my eyes and tell me i'm not
please