now that it is night, i guess i could write about what i am currently feeling. i think that today has been a rather bad start to the new year, although the person responsible for it being this way is myself. i didn't eat my lunch and ate rather little for dinner. i don't know if this is due to the continuing effect of the alcohol on my appetite or due to my mood which has been down after the party. once again i shot myself and caused my heart to hurt once again. i thought that by finally dumping everything out that i had kept within myself, i would feel better but i ended up feeling even worse than ever. i totally ruined my own mood at the beginning of the year. goes to show that this year has already gotten off to a rough start.

romanticising/fantasising/living in my own dreamworld... i know it's not good but it does seem that my own world is a much less sad place than the reality of this world. i don't want to be hurt anymore by anyone. why can't i just let it go?! i really want to end all of this and it does seem that i can either choose to do what i do best, hiding and running away from the reality, or face the facts no matter how they hurt. as what they say,"if you have never felt pain, you would never know what it is to feel good(or something like that)". this is something which i do not want to live with. i wish i could erase this part and just forget about it but something tells me that no matter what i do, i just can't forget it and running away will not help me to get over it. i could end my life here as it is like i have tried to do a number of times in the past. and yet hope always prevails.. how much hope is there in this hopeless situation? the irony of it. i hope too much that it causes me to be in a world of my own. and everytime stuff like this happens, i'm just thrown back into the harsh reality which hurts me once again. it's a never-ending cycle of hope and hurt. so does that mean that the more i hope, the more i am going to be disappointed? in that case then why do i still pray for a change in the world that we leave it towards being one of peace and for all my dreams/wishes for people and myself? hope has not given me anything except pain in the long run and frankly speaking, i don't know how long i am going to be tortured like this. if my prayers/hopes are never going to be answered, wouldn't that mean that there is no God in this world? why would He want to torture me in such a way? if that's the case, then i will get rid of myself and disappear forever. i know there would be people who will condemn me for saying this but that's exactly how i feel right now.

compassion was what i was told i have. a compassionate side, which is currently the most useless thing to me. what good does having hope and it do to me? compassion was the reason why i got myself into such messes in the first place and stripped me of any happiness. what good has love done? only more hurting and aching, making it hurt even more like rubbing salt into a wound.


if i hate you, i'll hate myself even more