i just don't know. that's probably how i feel right now. i have no idea how i feel and what to do when the reason which has kept pushing me onwards to the end of the A levels is removed. i feel at a loss as to how to react and emotionally i have no idea how i am supposed to feel right now as the many thoughts start to surface. that which i wrote only covers that which i can put in words. of course there's a hidden force (if u think about it that way) which only exists between certain people. and yet again, this only exists between certain individuals, which brings me back to the point of people not being created equally. i don't believe that i am loved and i certainly don't believe that there's someone for everyone, no offense but if that were true, we would all be able to find our true loves and live happily ever after. yet this is not the case for the many who remain without their other half and eventually die alone. in this world unfortunately, i believe that true love only exists in fairy tales and hence from now on i'm not going to place any hopes on finding another person to love. on the other hand, one cannot live without love. this may sound rather contradictory and perhaps a little pessimistic but i really don't see the point in living a life where one isn't loved. maybe something inside me feels loved but i really do not think that this is the case but rather the basic fact that all animals have a basic will to live and survive which has prevented me from taking my own life on several occasions. and now would be one of those times as i find myself turning to alcohol to help me forget all these memories. of course i don't drink that much to kill me outright but i guess it does help to erase the pain and sorrow. since music is no longer able to do the job for me. kinda ironic for a person with only love songs in his music library to not be able to experience it. love songs are a bunch of lies are they not? or maybe there are just some who are luckier than me to have experienced it and now laugh at those who haven't by singing songs about it? maybe one day i'll forget that all this ever happened. just maybe..