well, i guess i'm not exactly myself right now. i don't know whether to feel depressed or happy or angry. while i had known this for quite a while now, i used to think that it would be different after the A's were over. i guess nothing is ever what it seems. on one hand, i got myself hurt again but on the other hand, i knew that this was going to happen for some time now and yet as a result of this, the state of the friendship will not change, at least i hope it doesn't. i guess i can't blame the person since it's very hard to like a person who has neither look nor talents nor a large amount of intelligence or charm. i really don't think that i have much as a person, that and the fact that i've yet to find happiness despite being around with friends and all. maybe i'm destined to spend my life as a wandering individual never experiencing what it's like to be loved so i think i'll just resign myself to fate at this point of time. whether i manage to live till that day only God knows.

on the topic of differing abilities/talents of individuals, i find it an irony that such differences exist when man was supposedly created equal. if man was indeed created in that way, all of us would have equal abilities and talents. yet the fact of the matter is that we don't. there'll always be people who are richer,smarter,better looking,more charming,etc than the rest. some may say that while this is true, people with differing abilities lack in other areas when compared with others. if this is so, then what about those who don't have nothing at all, or those who have talents/abilities not recognised or seen by others? has this world become so corrupted that it now looks on the superficial aspects of people or the atributes which are considered to be attractive or desired by society? i really believe that this is the case. this world has become corrupted and i can firmly say that it is because of human beings that the initially pure world was slowly degraded to the state which it is in right now. to tell the truth, i'm sick of this world and sometimes wonder why i still bother living in it. i'm also especially sick of the people who go about their daily lives pretending as though there is nothing wrong with the world. admittedly, i used to be one of these people till i saw for myself the distortion of this world caused by the inhabitants of it. must we keep on killing each other and causing grief to one another? and while all these are happening, we continue our daily lives by thinking that it has got nothing to do with me or just by pitying the people in suffering. if one does not stop the murder of another, wouldn't it be tentamount to not condoning it, and also being guilty of the same crime? in that case then the next time we see people dying as a result of conflict or natural catestrophies, one only need to look in the mirror to find the culprit, for just sitting back and doing nothing would not mean that one is not some how or other a cause in it or helping to spread it.

sorry for being emotional today and making people listen to my rhetoric
not much of a mood to do anything.
i most definitely need time alone to reflect.